Game Previews

The GameDay Decrees are here and before we go any further – square up! Because my momma bought me that chain! Week 12 around the NFL featured the crushing of some major egos, but was highlighted by the clashing of two egos when Raiders’ WR Michael Crabtree and Broncos’ CB Aqib Talib decided they had unfinished business to settle and it couldn’t wait until after the game. It used to be NBA players who got knocked for not being able to fight, but Crabtree and Talib set the whole NFL back a few decades with their five minute tussle on the field. Crabtree came after Talib thinking he would do this:

But in reality, he looked more like this, while Ambassador Junior Blue sat in the corner wondering if his Raiders were even focused on making the playoffs:

There’s no more time to hide or rest up, as there are no more Bye weeks during this final month of the regular season. Week 12 made it crystal clear to every player, coach, and team that if you ain’t ready for the final stretch, it’s in your best interest to get out the way now while you still can. We tried to put everyone’s manhood to the test and well…only a few answered the call. Let’s get into it!

DON JULIO. Quintorris Lopez Jones was born on February 8th 1989 but on November 26th 2017, he became a grown up. A real life adult. A made man. A Don. Julio Jones finally, Finally, FINALLY! had his breakout game this season when he erupted for 12 catches for 253 yards and two touchdowns Sunday against Tampa Bay. And you didn’t have to be a paid analyst (or a member of TLA) to know that Jones would run wild against the Buccaneers’ defense. Coming into this game, Jones posted 68 receptions, 1106 yards and 8 TDs in just ten games against the Bucs and you would think they would’ve gotten the hint to devise their en-tire defensive gameplan to stop him. Nah, bruh…they had no chance. Julio put hands on ALL them ninjas.

Who knows if it would have made a difference because everything that came Julio’s way, Julio caught. He reeled in 12 of the 15 targets, one on a trick play where fellow receiver Mohamed Sanu threw the best pass this Falcons offense produced all season. Sanu dropped it right in the breadbasket for a 51 yard TD to Jones – just his second on the year. About five minutes later, after making a tight-rope catch along the sideline AND breaking a 15 yard run for a first down, Jones flat out embarrassed Tampa’s DB on an out-route where Jones shook him out his shoes, caught the ball, maintained his balance, and literally flew into the endzone for his third career 250+ yard game. Similar to the love we gave Pittsburgh’s Antonio Brown last week (and deservedly so after Sunday night), when you have a player of this caliber who can destroy the double team and still make plays, you must find ways to get the ball in his hands as much as possible. I don’t know what the hell the Falcons were doing the first two months of the season, but after feeding Don Julio all the Thanksgiving leftovers, Atlanta suddenly finds themselves in the sixth and final NFC Wild Card spot despite having the third best record in the NFC South.

NO MORE 7-9 BULLSHIT. We’ve given the Rams a lot of love the last few weeks and rightfully so. But it is imperative we highlight the Rams’ accomplishments yet again this week because for the first time in over a decade, the St. Louis/Los Angeles Rams will NOT experience a losing season. That’s right – after defeating the high-powered Saints last week, the Rams earned their eighth win of the season, guaranteeing they’ll at least break even for the first time since the 2006 when they finished 8-8. The Rams appear to have transcended past the days of mediocrity by assembling one of the most complete and most exciting teams in the league. They’re currently ranked second in the league in scoring and boast a plus-123 point differential, with just three of their wins decided by a touchdown or less. What’s most noteworthy about this team, especially this week is their ability to rebound. They were handled the week before in Minnesota, a game in which many believed was the prove-it game for this young team. But they responded against another NFC contender a week later by beating the red hot Saints who had won eight straight coming into last week. The Rams answered the call led by QB Jared Goff who continues to light up the stat sheet – he completed a pass to eight different receivers for 354 yards and 2 TDs. But their defense has been their calling card all season and they proved their legitimacy after holding hall of famer Drew Brees under 250 passing yards. The box score won’t show it, but outside of the 74 yard TD run in the 1st quarter the Rams’ D only surrendered 49 rushing yards throughout the game. The Rams will continue to be tested down the stretch as they face the Eagles, Seahawks, and Titans – three teams who would make the playoffs if it started today – and if they can continue to play Sean McVay’s balanced brand of football, this team is poised to at least reach the heights of their 2003 team which finished the season 12-4, their last WINNING season. This makes you wonder what the hell Jeff Fisher was doing last year with basically the same roster. Appearing in just one Superbowl truly must carry an enormous amount of privilege for a coach…

NO WIN NOVEMBER. This won’t be news to the fan bases in Denver, Miami, Kansas City, Chicago, and Cleveland but if you haven’t noticed, these five teams went the entire month of November without winning a single game. Let’s explore how this group that consists of expected playoff teams, expected bottom feeders, and one with no expectations at all managed to suffer through the last 30 days:

The Denver Broncos suffered blowout losses to both Philly and New England, lost a close one at home vs. Cincy, then lost in the battle of the divas last week in Oakland. Sunday’s game was indicative of 2017 for the Broncos – they never had a chance from the start. And the squabble between Aqib Talib and Raiders’ Michael Crabtree was both laughable and disappointing, as it was obvious neither player was interested in playing in that game. The fact that something so childish could happen AT THE BEGINNING OF A DIVISIONAL GAME said a lot about where the Broncos stand, placing their final hope of salvaging this season on the unproven shoulders of Paxton Lynch. It was Lynch’s ankle that was unable to hold up in this one when he suffered yet another injury setback, sidelining him for the next 2-4 weeks. Denver now finds themselves back at square one, sending ol’ Trevy Trev (Trevor Siemian) back under center for some more underwhelming quarterback play. The proof is in both the pudding and the altitude that the Broncos’ front office – John Elway, I’m looking at you – have flat out failed to produce a true solution at quarterback. As the old adage goes: if you have two (or three) QBs, you don’t have ONE.

The Miami Dolphins are more anxious than Bart Scott to get this season over. They CAN’T WAIT for this Jay Cutler-Matt Moore-roster dump of a year to end so they can get back to losing the normal way. After being shut out on national TV, the Dolphins responded by losing four straight games by giving up an average of 34 points per. There have been several failed experiments this year that continue to bury the Dolphins, first and foremost paying Jay Cutler $10 million to do anything – that mistake speaks for itself. The second and most damning failed experiment is giving defensive coordinator Matt Burke complete creative control over the defense, which ranks 30th in points allowed. This is Burke’s first tenure as a DC so of course, a learning curve is expected. But this Dolphins defense was historically bad last season, and they continue to have the same coverage breakdowns possession after possession, preventing them from even remaining competitive in games. Miami has attracted the stigma of being a “soft” team and until they can establish what their identity is going to be, the struggles for this 2016 playoff team will continue. Luckily for them, they face Denver this Sunday and we already know what their GM thinks of their testicular fortitude…or lack thereof.

The Kansas City Chiefs’ plans for a successful 2017 have vanished faster than little Will Byers. There was no time for character development or nothing, they just snatched his young ass up before the opening credits could finish rolling. The once 5-0 AFC juggernauts who beat the Patriots and are the only team to beat the Eagles this year are now watching their lead on the AFC West slip through their grasps. They’ve lost five of their last six games and have averaged just 12 points a game through the month of November. And it’s only natural to place all the blame on QB Alex Smith, who for the second time in his career has a younger, more exciting, racially ambiguous quarterback waiting in the wings to take his spot. And if you’re adamant that benching Smith for Mahomes would instill a much needed jolt into this all-of-a-sudden lackluster offense, by all means I can help you light your pitchforks. But we will not speak on the Chiefs’ recent struggles without mentioning their defense. That unit has been flat out awful, ranking 28th against the pass and 29th against the run. The injury of Eric Berry early in the season was bound to have its impact, but there’s just too much talent on that side of the ball and they haven’t played a strong enough offense this month (Cowboys, Giants, Bills) to justify their performance. And speaking of disappearances, where TF is Kareem Hunt? He has just one game with 80+ rushing yards in the last six weeks and has not scored a touchdown since September 24th. And what about Tyreek Hill?!?! His last 100 yard receiving game was October 19th. The reason for this sudden lack of production falls on head coach Andy Reid, who has not been able to throw a counter-punch after Pittsburgh presented the blueprint to slow KC’s gimmicky offense. Reid also has a propensity to abandon the running game, which dating back to his days in Philadelphia has always been the key to success for his offenses. Maybe Mahomes brings a consistent downfield element to the Chiefs’ passing game that Smith can’t, but I guarantee you the end result won’t be much different if KC doesn’t get the ball back into their playmakers’ hands. I don’t care who your quarterback is – you cannot run a one dimensional offense this time of year and expect to win games. And I don’t think that’s an issue we can blame Alex Smith for.

The Chicago Bears are in the middle of a four-game slide, having not won a game since October 22nd against Carolina. Three of those defeats were by an average of six points and although there are no moral victories in football, the underdog Bears had to be content with the fact they were at least competitive against some of the NFL’s quality teams. But all that happy to be here shit went clear out the window this past Sunday when the Bears were dismantled on the road in Philadelphia. QB Mitch Trubisky looked like a deer caught in headlights almost every time he dropped back in the pocket. He wasn’t the only one who struggled – their offensive line got abused all afternoon which caused the usually-productive Jordan Howard to only muster six total yards rushing for the entire game. They didn’t get a single 1st down the first half of the game and this consistent lack of production leads all who still watch Bears’ games to point the finger at coach John Foxx. This is the beginning of the end of his tenure in Chicago.

And finally, the Cleveland Browns. Their play speaks for itself.

THE INEVITABLE DEFEAT OF ELI AND BLAKE.

The biggest story from this week came out of New [Jersey] when the woeful Giants informed their two-time Superbowl winning franchise quarterback Eli Manning that they want to get a look at their other options at QB during the last few games of the season. Now, at first glance if any 2-9 team made this decision you would assume poor quarterback play is the reason for their struggles. But if you’ve had the displeasure of watching this Giants team this season, it is obvious (to everyone EXCEPT this Giants’ front office) their problems do not start nor end with Eli. They have an inept human being as their head coach. They completely declined to establish a rushing attack. They built their offense to solely be carried by their passing game, which lost all three of its top receivers in the first month of the season. Their offensive line is abysmal and wouldn’t have given anyone’s quarterback enough time to throw, even if he did have weapons to throw to. But what makes the Giants’ decision even more unbelievable is not so much the “what” – it’s the “who.” Benching Eli and ending his NFL’s longest consecutive start streak for a quarterback is flat out disrespectful and dismissive to what Manning has done for this team in his career. But even more unbelievable is they are starting Geno Smith in Eli’s place. Geno. Smith. Yes, the same Geno Smith that once did this:

And no, your eyes are not deceiving you – Smith did indeed do this AGAINST THE GIANTS!!! If they said Davis Webb was starting, maybe I could understand the logic; they want to see if he has potential to be their future QB, as Eli is in fact 36 years old. But we all know what Geno can and can’t do in this league and if the Giants truly think putting him out there for a road game damn near 3,000 miles across the country is going to be an improvement over Eli, the people wearing suits in the Giants’ front office should plan a permanent vacation as soon as the game clock strikes triple zeros in Week 17. I know this is a troubling time for Eli Manning, but after we discuss this next embattled quarterback, there just may be a bright light at the end of this tunnel if Eli is willing to follow in the footsteps of his brother Peyton.

I am tired. Absolutely tired of watching Blake Bortles continue to get chances at playing quarterback in this league. His Jaguars have been one of the most refreshing success stories around the league this year. Years and years of drafting defensive talent has finally panned out as they have the league’s best unit. They are flat out terrifying to play against. Rookie RB Leonard Fournette has panned out as the team’s 1st round draft pick. This team has the ingredients to made a deep playoff run, except their quarterback continues to get in the way week in and week out. The Jags had the privilege of playing the lowly Arizona Cardinals last Sunday and found themselves in a dogfight that went down to the final minute. We’re gonna fast forward to those final minutes where the game was tied at 24 with just under four minutes left. The Jags’ stellar defense had just came up with yet another interception, giving their offense great field position and the chance to take the lead. And about one minute of game-time later Bortles rolled out of the pocket on 3rd down and threw the ball directly to Arizona’s Tyrann Mathieu, who intercepted the pass and swung momentum back in the Cardinals’ favor. It’s almost like Bortles is ungrateful for finally having a talented roster around him because he literally throws every opportunity away. Just two weeks prior, Bortles threw two interceptions in the final minute of regulation against Los Angeles. After questionable playcalling on their final drive, the Jags punted the ball back to Arizona and a 57 yard field goal as time expired dropped Jacksonville to 7-4 on the season, allowing Blaine Gabbert – the Jags’ former QB travesty – to exact revenge on the franchise that correctly cut him loose when he wasn’t getting the job done. At this point in his career we have overwhelming evidence that Bortles is holding this team back. Assuming they do make the playoffs I do not see how anyone can be confident that he can make the correct and necessary decisions to help this team win important games. Whenever given the chance, trust and believe Blake is gon’ Bortles this thing to the best of his ability. As soon as this season ends (and we know it will end on Bortles’ arm) Jacksonville GM should send that good ol’ “hey stranger” text to his former QB Eli Manning to see if he wants to spend the final few years of his career on a team that is built to win NOW, in a AFC South division that is almost always up for grabs. If Peyton could leave Indy to finish his career playing for a contender, Eli can definitely part ways with the Giants to join a team that is taylor-made for a veteran QB to take them to the next level.

That’s all we got for this week, folks. Week 13 should bring us some drama as the Chiefs better beat the damn Jets, the Jimmy G era begins in ‘Frisco, the Geno Smith era beg–(nevermind), the Panthers and Saints battle for the NFC South lead, and the Jaguars, Ravens, Chargers, and Bills all try to nudge their way into the final two AFC Wild Card spots. Let me know what y’all think.

The GameDay Decrees are here and we need to get right into it. The disrespect going around the NFL this week is at an all-time high, and now – the war is on! We got quarterbacks getting benched, coordinators getting fired, coaches TRYING to get fired, general managers pulling the card on their players, rivals snatching the Roc-a-Fella chain off their former division champ, NFC contenders battling over pole position, high scoring bum-fights, and franchise quarterbacks grabbing Uber drivers where the President instructed him to. We got people outchere feeling insulted and want to kick yo ass RIGHT NOW! And afterwards, we don’t want any hard feelings either. So come on outside and catch these hands…just make sure you protect your pinky toe.

R.I.P. Della Reese

Let’s get into it!!!

WHAT CAN’T BROWN DO FOR YOU? Antonio Tavaris Brown painted his version of the Sistine Chapel last Thursday when he put on a clinic against Tennessee on the national stage. I think we knew he was poised for a great night the first play of the game when he caught a pass in the middle of the field in traffic over double coverage. And later in that same drive, Brown put the Steelers on the board after a fly route down the field, Big Ben looked off the Titans’ safety to give Brown enough time to get position on the corner. Ben chucked a jump ball into the endzone and Brown went up and got it, took the contact and came down with a 41 yard touchdown catch. The football Gods stayed on Brown’s side late in the 2nd quarter after he caught a pass running across the middle of the field, but had the ball poked from his possession as he lunged forward. Crisis was averted though, as the football was recovered by teammate Martavis Bryant, and the Steelers managed to end the drive with a field goal. Brown added his second score of the game with ease as he was left in one-on-one coverage on the outside in the redzone. He ran a simple slant route and Ben hit him in the numbers to give Pittsburgh a 23-14 lead. He even added a 16 yard punt return early in the 4th to flip the field and put the offense in striking distance. On the very next play he shook the life out of three Titans defenders and came down with a toe-tapping reception along the sideline. And to cap not only this drive but the game off, Brown made one of the best catches you will see as he had to spin around to catch a back shoulder fade, he stuck his left hand out and somehow, trapped the ball between his hand and the side of his helmet for a 10 yard touchdown catch.

Arm. Leg. Leg. Arm. Head. This is God-body, and we are not worthy. Brown’s performance propelled the Steelers to 8-2 on the season, elevating them as the only team in their division with a winning record and tied with the Patriots with the best record in the AFC.

PAST DUE BILLS. There isn’t a more devastating coaching decision that I can remember in the last few years than what Buffalo Bills’ coach Sean McDermott did last week. He announced the team would be benching starting QB Tyrod Taylor in favor of rookie QB Nathan Peterman as they headed out to Los Angeles to play the Chargers. Now, if you want to be critical of Taylor and his performance the past few weeks, feel free. Week 9 against the Jets he completed 70 percent of his passes for 285 yards, 2 TDs, no interceptions, but lost one of two fumbles. Week 10 against New Orleans they were blown out at home while Taylor struggled – he completed just 9 of 18 passes for 56 yards, and threw an interception. Taylor’s up and down numbers in just a matter of seven days are inconsistent, but are also a reflection of pretty average quarterback play on almost every team across the league this season. Their offense definitely struggled, more so in the ladder of the two games, Taylor somehow became the scapegoat on a team that gave up 34 points to the Jets and 47 at home, where they hadn’t loss all season until then. So McDermott decided to pull his 5-4 QB who had the team in the mix for a Wild Card Spot and give Peterman the nod, who is a 6th round draft pick and a guy many knew nothing about. We learned all we needed to know about Peterman under center when, well…see below:

He wasn’t ready, coach! Peep the time on the game clock during each of these interceptions. They were all thrown IN THE FIRST HALF! And you know what…we can’t even be mad at Nate – I’m sure HE knew he wasn’t ready. The kid may very well become a quality quarterback in this league, and I truly hope he does. But if the plan is to make him the guy for the remainder of the season, what you don’t do is make his first career start on the road, damn near 3,000 miles across the country, against one of the best pass rushing defenses in the league. McDermott’s decision not only doomed the progression of their young QB, he also doomed the potential for this season as the loss dropped the Bills out of the sixth Wild Card spot. I’m pretty sure he lost the locker room as well, with many players respecting Tyrod Taylor and willing to fight for the work they had put in so far this season. And one thing we will not let go unnoticed from this shitstorm is the maturity shown by Taylor, who willingly came out and played in the second half to try to right this sinking ship. Hats off to Tyrod – the dude is a MUCH better man than me! Because the minute McDermott pointed my way asking for help, I would’ve shown him the backside of my longest finger.

PURPLE REIGN. The only team to benefit more from the Buffalo Bills’ QB change other than the Chargers was the Baltimore Ravens, who went up to Lambeau Field on Sunday and dominated the Packers. It was an eyesore of a football game as the Ravens, who rank 31st in offensive yards and are THEEE worst passing unit in the league, managed to be the best offense on the field in this game – by default. Their defense bullied poor Brett Hundley from the first drive all the way until the final kneel down. The Ravens sacked Hundley six times, picked him off three, and recovered two fumbles, shutting out the Packers for their third shutout this season, which makes Baltimore the first team since 2003 to pitch three shutouts in the same season. Now, riddle me this: How the hell do the Ravens only have five wins with this defense? They’ve pitched three shutouts…before Thanksgiving! Meaning 60% of their wins have come solely by their defense. I’m surprised a civil war hasn’t ensued on that sideline yet with the defensive players just fed up with the bullshit. The Ravens’ fifth win on the season became Coach John Harbaugh’s 100th win at the helm, but more importantly, the win placed the Ravens in the sixth and final AFC Wild Card spot with Buffalo losing on Sunday. If this Ravens team can manage to produce an average offense – just AVERAGE – their defense could actually do enough of the heavy lifting to carry them to postseason football.

The other purple team to dominate on Sunday was the Minnesota Vikings who are demanding we put some respeck on their name. They proved again they belong in the NFC contender conversation when they took the Rams by the horns and rode them into the ground. The Vikings kept the league’s highest scoring offense to just 7 points the entire game – their lowest output this season. The Vikings’ 2nd-ranked run defense gave up the lead early on a rushing touchdown in the first quarter, but they held the explosive Todd Gurley to just 37 yards on the day. They also held the Rams to just 3 of 11 on third down conversions, preventing them from ever gaining momentum. The Vikings’ win streak has now reached six games and a large part of their success is due to the hometown kid (Adam Thielen) and the unsung hero (Case Keenum) who continue to get the job done on offense.

Thielen has proved to be one of the best possession receivers in the league this year with a six catch, 123 yard performance including a 65 yard TD from Keenum to put this game in the win column to lift Minnesota to 8-2. Their road trip around the NFC will continue in the coming weeks and the Vikes will get to avenge their only conference loss this season as they travel to Detroit this Thursday to play the Lions.

THEY DIDN’T LAND ON PLYMOUTH ROCK. It’s only fitting we bring up the misfortunes of both Kansas City and Washington’s football teams this week – first, because they both need to CHANGE THEIR NAMES and second, because of how they both managed to lose their respective games this past Sunday. We’ll start with the Chiefs ’cause this ’bout to be real quick. They traveled to New [Jersey] to face the one win Giants and it was hard to tell which team was actually considered a Superbowl contender this year. The Chiefs played down to their competition and did themselves no favors with their poor play and self-inflicted mistakes. Once considered an MVP candidate earlier this season, QB Alex Smith now looks as fraudulent as Albert did pretending to be MC Gusto. He was sloppy with the football (2 INTs) and is unable to stretch the field the way he did to start the season with a six game win streak. Granted it was windy throughout the game and difficult for either team to put the ball in the air, but there’s just no excuse for how this team went from one of the most explosive offenses in football, to all of a sudden struggling to pick up first downs over the last month. The Chiefs’ problems also cannot all be placed on Smith either. Their defense has been horrible and head coach Andy Reid, who is historically great coming off bye weeks (16-2 before this loss), made one of the worst play-calls you’ll see. With the game tied and only 6 minutes to go, Reid decided to run a tight end pass by Travis Kelce. Kelce heaved the ball downfield, and it looked like a solid throw while it was in the air – until you realize it was thrown into double coverage and picked off by the Giants. What compounded the idiocy of this play call was the fact the Chiefs had the ball at midfield, it was 2nd down, AND points here were at a premium. Twenty yards and a field goal on this drive very well could have won KC the game, so a trick play at that time was just unnecessary. Instead, the game went into overtime and the Chiefs were let down by their defense that committed a penalty and still gave up a spectacular play to a receiver-less Giants offense, leading to their game winning field goal to drop KC to 6-4 on the season.

The other culturally appropriated NFL team that lost on Sunday resides in Maryland but belongs to Washington, and I’m sure even the folks there are hesitant to claim them now. For the first 54 minutes of the game, the Skins looked like one of the better teams in football. They were running, throwing, and hitting the Saints up and down the Superdome. Their defense came to play as D.J. Swearinger picked off Drew Brees in the first quarter to gain early momentum. Kirk Cousins looked every bit like the franchise quarterback that ownership still doesn’t want to pay. Rookie RB Samaje Perine had the best game of his young career (117 yds, TD). The Skins took a 31-16 lead with a brilliant six play, 75 yard drive capped off by a TD pass from Cousins to rookie TE Jeremy Sprinkle who appeared to put the finishing touches on this upset. But it was at this moment the Skins did what almost every DC-area sports team does with a pivotal game on the line: they choked. They choked, took their foot off the gas, and fell out of the car, and I’m not sure how in the world you ease up against not only a proven QB like Brees, but against THIS Saints team…AT HOME, who is one of the hottest teams in football at the moment. Not to mention, the Skins can’t afford to look past anyone with their playoff hopes on the line. As many of the New Orleans unfaithful headed to the exits, Brees and the Saints headed to work. They marched downfield and put seven on the board in just over three minutes to cut it to a one-score game. But that’s cool – all Washington needed was to get a first down and the game was over. That should be easy work considering the got 24 first downs that afternoon and aggressively moving the ball one more time shouldn’t be a problem…except it was. The Skins called three very vanilla run plays, including one on 3rd & short were Perine couldn’t even make it back to the line of scrimmage. They punted the ball back and 48 seconds later, the game was tied, heading into overtime. Washington managed to surrender 18 fourth-quarter points (including the game-tying two point conversion) in a matter of 4 minutes and 53 seconds of game time. Brees completed 11 of 11 passes for 2 TDs on those last two drives, after going 18 of 30 and no TDs throughout the game. Washington’s final two possessions in regulation and in overtime managed to get Cousins strip-sacked and pressure enough to commit and intentional grounding penalty, giving New Orleans the ball back and a chance to win. All it took was two handoffs to Mark Ingram to get kicker Will Lutz in field goal range and he nailed a 28 yarder to pull of an amazing comeback/natural disaster that the Skins won’t be able to bounce back from. Now at 4-6, their playoff hopes are essentially over. A playoff spot in this NFC will require at least 10 wins which means Washington will have to win out the rest of the season. And those odds are not in their favor, having to play the next three games in a matter of 12 days.

FINAL NOTES

• We’ll see if John Elway calling his team “soft” plus the tapping of QB Paxton Lynch will do anything positive for the Broncos as they head to Oakland to fight for the AFC West basement
• The Patriots are the only team undefeated on the road (5-0). Of course…
• The Jaguars have beaten every team in the AFC North

That’s all we got this week, folks. I’m sure we’ll have a lot to discuss after the Saints face yet another NFC team testing their gangsta, and the three Thursday games promise to feature thievery, lies, and pillaging – three things that make this country great (again)! Let me know what y’all think…

The GameDay Decrees are back this week after being suspended, then appealing said suspension, then being denied said appeal, just to come back and still be suspended regardless. Week 10 served as a momentous set-up for what is bound to be an epic second half of a rather bizarre season. Parity definitely wasn’t on the menu this past week as there were only  six games won by seven points or less. There were also six blowouts, and six wins by the road teams. Of the five inter-conference games that were played last week, the NFC beat the AFC in EACH OF THEM. And there’s no surprise to why that is – the NFC simply has better teams right now. There are currently 10 teams in the NFC with winning records, while the AFC houses just six. And we’ve finally learned who the worst NFL team is as there is just one winless team remaining. And aside from Ambassador Kenny Ken Ken…no one is surprised who that is. Let’s get into it!

A LOSS, DESPITE THE WIN. Week 10 kicked off with another ride on the struggle bus as the Arizona Cardinals went to Seattle to take on the Seahawks in a penalty-stricken, mistake riddled Thursday night affair. It featured the typical Adrian Peterson fumble (then an Adrian Peterson safety), non-existent rushing attacks on both teams, a typical all-for-naught effort by the Hall of Famer Larry Fitzgerald, and the expected heroics by first name Russell, last name Wilson. The only play worth watching over and over, and over and over and over and over again came early in the 4th quarter on 2nd down & 20-something, Wilson drifted left out of the pocket to look for someone open downfield. He attracted pressure in his face so he spun backwards, pump-faked a second defender into the air, then spun backward again and ended up 18 yards behind the line of scr– you know what. Fuck Russell Wilson. His Wayne Brady-Houdini ass continues to pull magic out of his hat to carry this Seahawks’ offense to victories. Offensive coordinator Darrell Bevell will call a play just for Russ to take the snap and mid-play he decides, “nah fam, we doing this instead.”

The Seahawks ended up beating the Cardinals and improving to 6-3 on the season but late in the game, it became a costly win after all-world cornerback Richard Sherman fatally tore the Achilles that had been bothering him all season. Sherman’s ability, leadership, and overall presence on the field is a major blow to the ‘Hawks with Sherman set to miss the first game(s) of his career. Seattle simply cannot replace the void left by the staple on their veteran defense, but their short term plan to keep this unit formidable started this week with the re-signing of Byron Maxwell, who was a founding member of the Legion of Boom when he and Sherman both joined the Hawks back in 2011. Seattle will have to keep their streak going now that they sit one game behind the Rams in the NFC West.

And speaking of the West, the San Francisco 49ers are no longer winless, nor are they the worst team in the conference. They stepped all over the Little New York Giants who at this point probably are better off with Danny O’Shea as their head coach. 

HOW DOES BEN McADOO STILL HAVE A JOB?!?! HOW BRUH? HOW???

Sorry, this isn’t about him. The Niners got a serviceable outing from stand-in quarterback C.J Beathard and production out of their run game led by Carlos Hyde (98 yards). They converted 8 of 12 3rd down attempts which allowed them to keep drives alive and score a total of four TDs on the day. But the most important score of this game came midway through the 2nd quarter when Beathard dropped deep in the pocket and his backers successfully picked up the blitz. He heaved the ball downfield to speedster WR Marquise Goodwin, who ran a post route so straight it could have permed Pam Greer’s afro. Goodwin came down with the ball, shook off a Giants’ defender and walked into the endzone for the 83 yard go-ahead touchdown. This was Goodwin’s only catch of the game, but it was all we could have asked of him on Sunday. Just hours before kickoff, Goodwin and his pregnant wife lost their son due to complications of premature birth. And when Goodwin crossed the goal line he dropped to his knees to honor his son, and his teammates came to his support. 

The Niners may not win another game this season but I think I can speak for everyone when I say I am glad they were able to win THIS one. Prayers up to the Goodwin family!

MURPHY’S LAW. “Things will go wrong in any given situation, if you give them a chance to.” That is the only way I can explain what happened when the Chargers and Jaguars played on Sunday. If there’s anything in this league you can count on, it’s that Blake Bortles WILL hold this Jacksonville team back. And the Charges will, absolutely fucking will invent ways to lose a close game at the end. It’s like locking two clumsy bulls in a China shop…they’re gonna break everything they come in contact with if you let them. The circus acts began late in the 4th quarter as the Jags were marching downfield, down 3 points with under two minutes remaining. Bortles was flushed out of the pocket and decided to force a pass into triple coverage. It was tipped twice and eventually intercepted by Chargers’ Tre Boston, appearing to ruin Jacksonville’s chance at a comeback. Now we’ll switch to the Chargers, who had a three point lead, good field position, and the football with 1:51 on the clock at this point. All they needed to do was pick up a first down or not turn the ball over and they would be leaving Florida with the bag. But on the next play, rookie RB Austin Ekeler got the carry for some reason and coughed up the ball. Jaguars Tashaun Gibson fell on top of it, got up with the ball and returned it for a touchdown that would’ve given the Jags the go-ahead score. But once the play was reviewed, the referees somehow determined that Gibson was touched when he was down, despite there being zero video evidence that showed this, and the points were taken off the board. The Chargers compounded their miscues with two defensive penalties on the following drive to give Jacksonville even better field position to take the lead. Now, back to the Jaguars. After drawing an unnecessary roughness penalty IN THE ENDZONE, Jags’ WR Marqis Lee was unable to act like he’s been there before (because, well, he hasn’t) and decided to dance in front of the Chargers’ defenders, in which he was penalized 15 yards that took his offense further away from paydirt. But either way, the Jags still had the opportunity to at least tie the game if they could just hold onto the football and not do anything…stupid. That’s been their winning formula all season: tell Blake Bortles to just stay out of the way while their running game and defense wrecks shit. They treat Bortles like young Alan Parrish in Jumanji. All they ask of Blake while they are out for the night is please, pah-lease do not destroy the house for a few hours. And what does this treacherous MF do? He invites the squad over, cracks open an enchanted board game and before you know it, a gotdamn stampede is running toward the neighborhood Wal-Mart.It was 3rd and 25, and the Jags needed just 10 yards or so to be in comfortable field goal range. But Bortles decided he wanted to leave his imprint on the game and threw a Blake Bortles’ signed, sealed, and delivered duck into traffic and of course, the Chargers’ Tre Boston picked him off again. Now, back to the Chargers. This is about to be as quick as their next possession because they went three-and-out, and punted the ball right back to Jacksonville. The only way the Jags could get into field goal range [again] to tie this thang is if the Chargers gave it to them. And what happened next? You guessed it – Chargers’ Joey Bosa committed a roughing the passer penalty to put Jacksonville in FG range to tie the game and send it into overtime. We’re gonna keep it with the Chargers here, who got the ball in OT, but had it literally snatched from them when Philip Rivers’ gun-slinging mentality got the best of him. Rivers threw a pass along the left sideline to Kelvin Benjamin but – back to Jacksonville – the Jags’ AJ Boye ripped the ball from his grasps, and returned it all the way down to the Chargers’ two yard line, leading to kicker Josh Lambo exacting revenge against his former team. Lambo played for the Chargers from 2015 until this past September when – back to the Chargers – they cut Lambo in favor of Younghoe Koo, who is no longer on the team. All I know is somebody in the Chargers’ organization needs to be fired because their comedy of self-destruction is starting to not be funny anymore.

COME MARCHING IN. The New Orleans Saints proved to everyone on Sunday that they are indeed fo’real. And it wasn’t necessarily simply because they beat the Bills – it was HOW they beat the Bills. Nobody, and I mean nobody (not me, not you, not the good brothas here at TLA, nor the folks in the 9^th Ward) believed this Saints team would travel North of the Wall and dominate a quality opponent. An opponent that was undefeated at home, mind you. Outdoors. In sub-40 degree weather. That’s about 4 degrees Celsius to the rest of the world that wisely uses a universal temperature scale. Anyway, us doubters thought the Saints would show chinks in their armor going up against a run-first, smash-mouth team. And it looked to be that way early on when Buffalo’s LeSean McCoy broke off a 36 yard run to give the Bills an early 3-0 lead. But that was the last relevant play the Bills ran the rest of the afternoon. Instead, it was the Saints run game that put record numbers on the scoreboard. They amassed 298 rushing yards as a unit, circling the wagon against Buffalo’s stout defense. The Saints were led by RBs Mark Ingram and Alvin Kamara, who became the first Saints backfield duo to each surpass 100 rushing yards in a game since Reggie Bush and Deuce McCallister did it back in 2006. They dropped 47 points in the Bills, all by way of rushing touchdowns. Three by Ingram, one by Kamara, one by rookie Trey Edmunds, and another by Drew Brees, who looked more like Russeell Wilson on that TD run where he excessively and unnecessarily pump-faked the defense like D-Wade, then squeaked his way past the pylon. And speaking of Drew Brees, I can’t believe we spent 245 words talking about a Saints’ win and had not even mention the man yet. That’s because he didn’t have to do his typical heavy lifting. Brees threw just 25 passes for 184 yards and no TDs, which is usually the recipe for “Saints Lose on the Road” gumbo. If this season has taught us anything, it’s that “the usual” usually isn’t gonna happen. And the most unusual part about this whole season is the Saints defense, which went from the reason this team lost games to the reason this franchise currently sits at 7-2. Rookie corner Marshon Lattimore and Ken Crawley are locking shit down on the outside. Cameron Jordan and Alex Okafor are a handful up front, leading to a top-ten Saints’ defense in terms of scoring and yards allowed. This win streak New Orleans is on has placed them in the history books as the second team in the Superbowl era to win seven straight games after losing their first two.  Their schedule won’t get any easier, but it will indeed get warmer. Four of their final seven games are at home inside the Superdome. One of their remaining road games is inside someone else’s dome, and the other two will be played in Los Angeles and Tampa Bay. It’s highly likely these underdog Saints will continue to march their way past the competition, straight to an NFC South title.

MONDAY NIGHT NEWTON. Oohhhhh, Cam! Cameron Jerrell Newton proved to the entire country on the primetime tele that he is still one of the best signal callers in this league. He was reminiscent of his 2015-self who won the league MVP and led the Panthers to a Superbowl appearance. Rumor has it that Newton is at his best when he serves as a duel threat in both the run and passing game, and Ron Rivera must have gotten the memo. They got Cam out in space early and often, with several designed draw runs that gashed Miami’s defense as he tallied 95 yards on the ground. Although he had a few hurried, inaccurate throws, Newton was sharp in the pocket and spread the ball around to seven different receivers. He often audibled plays at the line on several instances, picking his spots and having his way whenever he decided to keep the ball in his hands. Newton finished with four touchdowns and played with the moxy and confidence necessary to get this Carolina squad back in the hunt for the NFC South division title. With all the injuries and ineptitudes of other veteran quarterbacks around the league, I admit it was a breath of fresh air to watch that black boy fly on the big stage.

P.S. when you win, you can wear whatever you want. Even this…

That’s all I got for this week, folks. Week 11 features a handful of games with playoff implications. It kicks off with the 6-3 Titans traveling to Pittsburgh to face the 7-2 Steelers in a battle that could very well be a rematch come January (both teams are leading their division and riding on four game winning streaks). The 7-2 LA Rams go to Minnesota to battle the 7-2 Vikings, with NFC legitimacy on the line. And on Monday night, the Falcons fly west to take on the Seahawks, as the winner of this matchup will greatly increase their chances of sneaking into an NFC Wild Card spot. Thank you black baby Jesus for giving us a slate of games this week that actually matter! Let me know what y’all think

The GameDay Decrees are back! And around here, we fully support the inmates who run the prison. History shows when you do, Morgan Freeman and Tim Robbins will prove not only that the prison industrial complex does indeed exist, but also that a black guy and a white guy can work together to accomplish a common goal once they recognize who the real enemy is. Please, wake up NFL players!!! But I digress. An eventful Week 8 of NFL action is in the books and we have a lot to get into. Of the 13 games played this past weekend, seven resulted in “blowouts” (wins by 10 or more points), and only five of the 13 games were won by the road teams. Not a single upset was pulled off, which is surprising the way previous weeks have gone with the favorites laying eggs and the underdogs giving us reason to pick the perennial bottom-feeders to somehow win their divisions. But before we get into Week 8’s storylines it’s only appropriate that we take time to acknowledge the accomplishments of both the teams and individual players who have made their mark so far as we sit at the mid-way point of the 2017 season. And if they don’t plan on maintaining their success down the stretch they should let us know right now that they’re shook…cause ain’t so such thing as half way crooks!

After 8 weeks of mind-numbing football (I mean that literally and figuratively. CTE is real, y’all!), here’s what we know:

The Patriots, Steelers, and Chiefs each sit atop the AFC at 6-2. The Eagles hold an outright lead over the NFC at 7-1, while the Vikings are on their heels at 6-2, Saints, Panthers, Seahawks, Rams each have five wins.

The Browns and the 49ers are just happy there’s no such thing as relegation in the NFL.

The gotdamn motherfuckin’ Buffalo Bills are the only AFC team currently undefeated at home. The Patriots are the only undefeated team on the road. And in the NFC, the Seahawks are the only team undefeated at home. The LA Rams somehow are the only NFC team undefeated on the road. I wonder why each pair of those teams play in the same division?

The Tennessee Titans are the only non-playoff team in the AFC from last season currently leading their division (tied at 4-3 with Jacksonville). The Seahawks are the only NFC playoff team from last year leading their division again this year. Give the ‘Hawks credit but this is largely in part because the Giants are hurting, Aaron Rodgers is out for the season, and the Falcons are still drunk from celebrating too hard during halftime of last year’s Superbowl.

Eagles’ 2nd year QB Carson Wentz and Texans’ rookie QB DeShaun Watson are leaders of the new school, as both are tied at 19 for the league-lead in TD passes. Panthers’ Cam Newton and Browns’ Di’Shone Kizer share the lead of 11 interceptions thrown, while Jacoby Brissett has been sacked a league high 29 times. I had a complaint about the OBVIOUS common thread between the two QBs who are struggling, but I’ll leave it there for now.

Steelers’ workhorse RB Le’Veon Bell is leading the league in rushing attempts and rushing yards. Teammate Antonio Brown leads the league in receptions, but another pair of teammates, Houston WRs DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller share the lead for TD receptions at seven. They can both thank Seattle’s Richard Sherman for that.

The Cowboys’ DeMarcus Lawrence leads the NFL with 10.5 sacks, Bills’ Micah Hyde leads the league with five interceptions.

Because kickers are people too, we have to show them love. Vikings’ Kai Forbath and Rams’ Greg Zuerlein are tied at 21 for the most field goals made this season.

The Texans lead the league in scoring at 30.7 points per game while the upstart Jaguars possess the league’s best scoring defense, giving up just 15.7 PPG.

And finally, the Seahawks lead the league in penalties while the Panthers have shown the most discipline by being the best at avoiding laundry on the field.

And now, we’ll get into the shit-show that was Week 8 around the NFL…

SACK ATTACK. Week 8 featured historical performances by three players who have wrecked havoc on opposing quarterbacks so far this year. We begin with the youngin’ – Chargers’ Joey Bosa – who brought Tom Brady down on Sunday for his 19th career sack. That may not sound like much at first, but when you consider Bosa has only played twenty games his ENTIRE CAREER, you’ll realize the kid is on a tear. Bosa has collected the most sacks for a player in his first 20 career games since sacks became an official statistic back in 1982. Next, we’ll go across the pond to Twickenham Stadium in London where Vikings’ Everson Griffen continued his assault on QBs this season when he sacked Cleveland’s DiShone Kizer late in the 4th quarter to add to his season sack total of 10. He has tallied a sack in every game this season so far and luckily for the other 31 teams, Griffen and the Vikings (who have won four straight games) are on a bye next week. Finally, we get to the ageless wonder, Mr. Julius Frazier Peppers. The Panthers drafted him back in 2002 at a time when I was a strapping young sixth grader and Peppers was torturing the likes of Tampa Bay QB Brad Johnson. And 15 seasons later, he’s still driving Buccaneers’ QBs crazy twice a year as Peppers notched his 151st career sack on Jameis Winston to move into 4th place on the all-time list, behind the likes of Bruce Smith, Reggie White, and Kevin Greene…all Hall of Famers.

CIRCLE THE WAGON. Sean McDermott’s Buffalo Bills are 5-2. They are the most refreshing surprise so far this season as they’ve been getting it done on both sides of the ball. Tyrod Taylor appears to have taken his game to the next step, having the third-best QB rating in the NFL at the moment. What’s more impressive is Tyrod has been getting in done without many explosive weapons in the passing game after the team traded away star WR Sammy Watkins at the beginning of the season. But don’t tell Tyrod that – last Sunday against Oakland he spread the ball around to nine different receivers. RB LeSean McCoy contributed another great day at the office, with 151 yards rushing including a 48 yarder he took to the crib in the 4th quarter to put the game out of reach. But their defense, doe?! They kept the explosive Raiders’ defense in check, allowing just two pass plays of over 20 yards. DB Leonard Johnson laid a perfect hit in the 2nd quarter to pop the ball free and it dropped straight into the hands of rookie LB Matt Milano who returned it 40 yards for a defensive touchdown. Despite not getting a sack the entire game, the Bills confused Raiders’ QB Derek Carr enough for DBs Trae Elston and Micah Hyde to both come up with interceptions to increase their team’s turnover differential to plus-10 – the best in the NFL. Now if the Buffalo faithful need any more reason to be optimistic that this season is finally, Finally, FINALLY! the year they make the postseason, they should consider this: The last 19 teams that led the league in turnover differential by season’s end made the playoffs. If coach McDermott & Co. can continue this formula for the remaining eight games of the season, they’ll have a decent chance to snap the longest active playoff drought in any major professional sport, having not made the playoffs since 1999.

JUJU ON THAT BEAT. The Pittsburgh Steelers have spent the past month addressing off field issues, mainly caused by their soap opera cast of wide receivers. The biggest question on the field was who will be (or who deserves to be) the much-needed 3rd option to get their under performing passing game going. That question was asked by 20 year old WR Juju Smith-Schuester who is the youngest player in the league.  Juju broke Sunday Night’s Primetime game in Detroit wide open when he and QB Ben Roethlisberger faced a split-safety coverage while stuck in the shadow of their own endzone. The two missed on a shot downfield earlier in the game when the Lions presented this pre-snap look, but this time the young WR wasn’t going to make the same mistake twice. Juju broke free down the seam and Ben dropped the ball to him close to mid field. Juju outran the entire Detroit secondary for a 97 yard touchdown that propelled the Steelers to their 3rd win in a row, making sure both his roster spot and his bicycle would never be in jeopardy again.

COWBOYS AND INDIANS. The participants of this game alone should have alerted you off the rip who came out victorious in this one. Any time the word “America” is associated with anything, especially in competition, trust and believe they exhausted all their resources and privileges to make sure they had an advantage. The Cowboys AKA America’s Team made the first chess move here by snatching away their opponent’s identity. They convinced the whole country to call them “Red skins” thinking they are Indians, when in reality they are the natives, here on this land way before any Cowboys ever were! And did y’all notice they completely distorted their place of origin? They red-lined them into the cramped Washington D.C, which isn’t even considered a state, as if they don’t practice in Virginia and play in Maryland. The fix was already in, bruh. They Cowboys have won the last three meetings in this matchup, convincing the Skins they never had a chance to begin with. The ‘Skins were forced to surrender their corn and fried turkey recipe and in return Dallas fed it to RB Ezekiel Elliott all day long (33 rushes 150 yds, 2 TDs). What appeared to be a close game in the first half ultimately faded in the second, as Dallas held Washington to just six points in the final 30 minutes, improving to 4-3 on the season and dropping their oppressed division rival to 3-4. But for those seeking revenge on behalf of the indigenous, don’t give up hope just yet. The tribe from the midwest will invade Jerry’s World and are well equipped to take down the oppressor. It will be interesting to see how Dallas fares without Elliott, whose six game suspension is being upheld and he will miss action until mid December. If you ask me, this shit feels like some past due reparations.

FOR THE CULTURE. I’m feeling hella woke at the moment so let’s keep this thing going. Whoever created the schedule for Week 8 probably didn’t notice that the Panthers vs. Tampa Bay and the Texans vs. Seahawks games would include Cam Newton, Jameis Winston, DeShaun Watson, and Russell Wilson. It marked the first time since I’m-not-really-sure-when that two games on the same day featured starting black quarterbacks on each team. I’m trying to tell y’all! It probably smelled like Brut cologne and a Morehouse College dorm room every time the ball was snapped. I could hear Solange’s “FUBU” playing whenever a touchdown was thrown. This shit…is…for…US!!!

Neither Cam nor Jameis really played well as Jameis was sacked three times, threw three interceptions, and also lost a fumble. Cam and the Panthers came out victorious, but his struggles this season continue as he threw for just 154 yards and yet another interception. Newton’s 24 yard TD pass to Kelvin Benjamin was bittersweet as it helped put the game in the bag for Carolina, but it was the last pass the two would connect on together as the organization traded Benjamin to Buffalo this week.

It was the other matchup between rookie DeShaun Watson and the narc Russell Wilson that featured thee highest level of #BlackBoyJoy. This epic battle now holds the crown for Game of the Year thus far as two teams who pride themselves on defense instead relied heavily on their offense to take them up and down the field in this track meet. Watson and the Texans struck first when Watson hung in the pocket long enough for WR Will Fuller to get past both levels of Seattle’s defense. Watson threw a dime for a 57 yard TD bomb to take the lead. But later in the quarter Watson tried to force the ball late across the middle and telegraphed his throw. Seahawks’ Earl Thomas jumped in front of the receiver for the interception, and returned it 78 yards for a pick-six. After Texans regained the lead on a Lamar Miller TD run, Russell Wilson decided to leave his post and join in on the fun. He evaded pressure in the pocket and threw a 20 yard TD pass to some guy named Paul Richardson – an L.A. native who had himself a breakout game (6 catches 105 yds, 2 TDs). In the 2nd quarter, Watson showed off his speed by breaking off an 18 yard run to pick up a first down that ultimately lead to his 2nd TD pass of the day – a 20 yarder again to Fuller who was beating Seattle’s lockdown cornerback Richard Sherman like he owed him money. But Wilson and the Seattle offense responded with a 53 yard completion to WR Tanner McEvoy, which led to a game-tying 7 yard TD catch by Richardson. We were 21-all at the half. The third quarter served as the calm before the storm, producing just three total field goals – two by Seattle and one by Houston. Seattle held a 27-23 lead to start the 4th quarter and that’s when it got real in the field. Watson showed off his ability to know when to run and when to pass as he frequently escaped the pocket to make plays downfield. He extended a play earlier in the 4th to hit Fuller at the 2 yard line. Two plays later, Watson managed to pull all the tricks and the treats out of his bag when he was blindsided in the backfield, spun the defender off of him, kept his balance, and shuffled the ball to Miller who was wide open in the endzone for a 2 yd score to take the lead. But Wilson lead the ‘Hawks downfield on a 7-play drive highlighted by a 55 yard pass downfield to Tyler Lockett to get them in scoring range. I could not for the life of me comprehend: A. Where either the Seahawks or Texans defense was all day. And B. Why the HELL was either team falling for the play action fake when neither offense’s running back was a factor all game?! The leading rusher on both teams was…you guessed it…THE QUARTERBACKS! Anywho, Officer Friendly was able to capitalize on the big play with at redzone TD pass to TE Jimmy Graham to take a 34-31 lead with just under six minutes remaining. Seattle’s lead last a whole 48 seconds of game time because just two offensive plays later, Watson dropped a quick bubble screen off to DeAndre Hopkins and Hopkins cut upfield and outran ev-er-y-bo-dy on the field for a 72 yard touchdown, yet again on Richard Sherman’s side of the field. It felt like Sherman was hosting recording sessions for the Migos because I have NEVER seen this many slender brothas with dreadlocks run up and down his side of the hashmarks so many times. While Earl Thomas nurses his tight hamstring, gimme a minute to catch my breath…

Aight, bet. So now it was Wilson’s turn to answer with his team down 38-34. With 3 minutes remaining and the ball just past midfield, Wilson decided it was time to prove he could make plays with his feet two. He pulled of his patented spin move in the pocket, slipped away from two would-be tacklers and marched his way up field for a 21 yard gain. With yet anotherrrrrrrr play-action fake, Wilson dropped back in the pocket poised to take the lead. He wound up with confidence a fired a sideline pass directly into the hands of Texans’ CB Marcus Williams, who intercepted the pass and went out of bounds, appearing to have sealed the win for his squad. With under two minutes on the clock the Texans kept it on the ground and forced the Seahawks to use their final timeout before getting the ball back. Their gameplan should have been to make sure they never got the ball back, because Wilson has only lost six games on his home turf his entire career – Sunday was not one of those days. With 1:39 on the clock, Wilson dropped back the very first play of the drive and from his own 20, he heaved the ball almost 50 yards downfield to Richardson who went up and came down with the football to put Seattle in scoring range. Wilson connected with Graham yet again, who was wide open down the middle of the field for the go-ahead 18 yard touchdown. It’s unfortunate one team had to lose this game, but for the the losing team, this game will serve as a long term win for their franchise. When it comes to the quarterback position, Houston no loner has that problem. After trying out nine different QBs since coach Bill O’Brien took over in 2014, they have finally found their present and future at the quarterback position – Mr. Derrick DeShaun Watson – who has the entire football world on notice. He became the first QB with over 400+ yards, 4 TDs, and 50+ rushing yards IN A SINGLE GAME. It will be great to watch him grow as the season progresses and the games become more important. One thing I can say is Sunday must have been a roller coaster for Houston after watching their football team fall just short in a classic battle, just to watch their baseball team come up in the clutch in one of the wildest World Series games any of us will ever see.

Alright y’all…that’s all I got. I’m tired! Week 9 features a slate of games nobody wants to watch. There are only two games this weekend between teams with winning records (ATL-CAR and KC-DAL). Brock Osweiler gets what better be his final shot in the NFL as he makes the start for the Broncos in Philadelphia, while the Bills and Jets kick off the week’s action on Thursday Night Football in the first relevant AFC East game that doesn’t feature the Patriots. Let me know what y’all think.

The GameDay Decrees are here this week to steal your bike…but we’ll bring it back because we know you have to go to work in the morning. You’re stuck with us for the next 5-8 minutes (depending on how quickly you read) to indulge in the NFL’s action from Week 7. Whatever you may deem normal in the NFL, we may have returned to it after “Separation Sunday” provided us a clearer idea of which teams plan to be around come Winter and which ones will jet out of our lives quicker than Black Dynamite’s daddy. We witnessed three shutouts on Sunday, as offense was at a premium. The number 7 was the story of Week 7 as there were seven teams that didn’t score an offensive TD (first time since 2001), seven running backs who eclipsed 100 yards on the ground, and seven teams in the AFC and the NFC that currently hold winning records. We hope the following storylines from this past weekend helps you separate the weak from the ob-so-lete…even though at the moment they’re starting to look like one in the same. Let’s get into it.

WESTERN CONTRACTION. The “Game of the Year” title that previously belonged to the Packers and Cowboys’ Week 5 matchup was SNATCHED when the Chiefs and Raiders faced off in an epic battle in the Bay (can you believe this happened during a Thursday night game, too?) The Chiefs were recovering from their first loss of the season vs. the Steelers, but it was the Raiders who were facing an absolute must-win game to save their season. They snapped their four-game losing streak in a bizarre shootout where Derek Carr and Alex Smith combined for 759 passing yards and six touchdowns (and no interceptions). We’ll skip past the flea-flicker, the Amari Cooper highlight reel (and the Amari Cooper drops), Tyreke Hill chuckin’ up the deuce, a tipped ball that finally, Finally, FINALLY!!! bounced the Chiefs’ way, Marshawn Lynch getting ejected, AND all the points that were scored through the first three quarters to get to the beginning of the 4^th where the Chiefs held a nine point lead. A NINE. POINT. LEAD. They didn’t score another point in the next fifteen minutes. The young Don Derek Carr marched the Raiders offense downfield for kicker Giorgio Tavecchio’s only make to cut their deficit to 6. With just under three minutes left in the game the Chiefs faced a 3^rd and 5 near their own 40. It was at this point in the game I looked over at Slug and said “Pop, if the Chiefs don’t convert this, they’re going to lose this game.” On God. And sure enough, Alex Smith dropped back, his pocket collapsed and Raiders’ Denico Autry and Khalil Mack brought Smith down for a sack, forcing the punt. And what happened next may be the wildest final drive to end a game we’ll see in a long time. Carr hung in the pocket and converted a 4^th & 11 from midfield to his TE Jared Cook to keep the drive alive. He went back to Cook along the left sideline, who went up over triple coverage (quadruple coverage if you include Seth Roberts and the defender covering him) and came down with the football on the one yard line. I’m not even gonna spend time wondering why on a handful of occasions the Raiders receivers were running THE SAME ROUTES! I’m not. We ain’t eeeeeeee’n going there. With just 8 seconds on the clock, Carr dropped back and went to the most reliable hands on the team, Michael Crabtree. But Crab used those hands to push off the cornerback instead, and his TD catch was negated. With just three seconds left and backed up to the 11 yard line after the penalty, Carr stepped up in the pocket and threw to the sure-handed Cook, but unfortunately the ball bounced off his hands and out of bou—the Chiefs were flagged with defensive holding as the clock expired. The Raiders got a third chance at life and this time Carr looked to Cordarrelle Patterson (how many weapons does this offense have?) in the back of the endzone and although he made the catch, Patterson was pushed out the back of the endzone for an incomple—the holding ass Chiefs committed yet ANOTHER penalty in the secondary, giving the Raiders another chance to win the game despite the clock being at triple zeros. And the Raiders’ fourth shot at victory was the charm as Carr scrambled left out of the gun to go back where it all started. He darted a pass into Crabtree in the only location he could put it, and Crab held onto possession before sliding out of bounds to tie the game. Tavecchio came out and barely made the extra point but he snuck the ball just inside the upright to snap Oakland’s four game losing streak. The Chiefs on the other hand went from the darlings of the NFL to a team suffering a two-game losing streak, betrayed by a defense that can’t seem to hold onto anything but their opponent’s receivers.

Keeping it out West, the other two teams in this AFC division met in Los Angeles, but it was the Chargers who were the only team on that field who came to play. Sunday was the Travis Benjamin show as the 6th year receiver only needed three touches all day to make an imprint on the game. He took a punt return 65 yards to the crib in the first quarter to give the Chargers the early lead. Their defense was dominant as they held the Denver Broncos to just 69 team rushing yards. They flustered QB Trevor Siemian, sacking him five times, forcing an interception, and keeping Denver off of the scoreboard all afternoon. Nursing a 14-0 lead in the 4th, the Chargers went back to Benjamin as Philip Rivers found him open on a short slant across the middle and Benjamin turned on the burners, out-running the entire Broncos’ secondary for a 42 yard TD reception to officially skunk their divisional foes. Like the Chiefs, the Broncos have dropped two in a row and are slowly giving the Raiders belief that they can bounce back to win this division.

ANSWERING THE BELL. The VH1 reality show that is the Pittsburgh Steelers’ locker room will NOT overshadow the fact they’ve flipped the proverbial switch when they get out on the field. Not on this platform, it won’t! They finally look like the AFC contender they were expected to be after a complete team win at home against Cincinnati. The Steelers continue to stick to the formula that works – calling on Le’Veon Bell again and again as he rushed for 134 yards on 35 carries. Their passing attack still hasn’t overwhelmed anyone just yet, especially if you ask Martavis Bryant, but they still present so many weapons for teams to prepare for that we know it’s just a matter of time before the offense gets clicking on all cylinders. But the Steelers’ game ball yet again goes to their defense, which pitched a second-half shut out of the Bengals after coming up with four sacks and forcing two turnovers. They also held the great A.J. Green to just three catches for 41 yards. Now at 5-2, the Steelers sit at 3-0 in their division and are the only team in the AFC North with a winning record. Pittsburgh has already beaten the Chiefs and are eyeing their matchup with New England later in the season to prove they are the class of the AFC…and they ain’t hiding from anybody!

THE REVENANT. The Chicago Bears remind me of that slow kid in class who happens to know karate. On the surface, it’s almost second nature to make fun of them – until it’s time to square up and throw dem hands. Heading into Week 7 Chicago only managed to pick up wins against AFC teams, but were winless (0-4) against their own conference. That losing streak ended when they invited Carolina to town and the Bears dragged them up and down the field until Leonardo DiCaprio begged them to stop. They relied on their strategy to run the football, then run it some more and then again, and play lockdown defense – a gameplan that worked well for them the week before. Chicago continues to protect rookie QB Mitchell Trubisky who threw just seven passes the entire game. But it’s hard to blame them; any time you can avoid putting the whole game on the shoulders of your quarterback – your rookie quarterback, who is stuck with a depleted receiving corps – you do it. Money Makin’ Mitch and the rest of the Bears’ offense can thank their teammate rookie DB Eddie Jackson for taking over scoring responsibilities on Sunday. He took two turnovers in for TDs, but it was the day on which Jackson accomplished this feat is what makes it even more remarkable. On October 22, 2016 Jackson broke his leg while playing in college at Alabama. He suffered a drop in his draft stock especially when juxtaposed with the other talent that was coming out of Nick Saban’s powerhouse. Jackson battled back to make in to the NFL, landing a roster spot as a 4th round pick in the already-talented Bears secondary. But Jackson’s determination, hard work, and refusal to give up on his dream paid dividends the afternoon of October 22, 2017, exactly one year after that injury put his football career in doubt when a botched option play by Carolina led to a fumble, and Jackson picked up the ball, hit the sideline and took it 75 yards for the defensive touchdown. And in the second quarter, Sunday truly became Jackson’s career game when a deflected pass went straight up in the air and Jackson ran right under it, intercepting the pass and taking it 76 yards for a pick-six, scoring the only two touchdowns in the game. Jackson’s historic performance helped the Bears secure their third win on the year, their second in a row.

QUARTERBACK QUANDARY. There are a handful of veteran quarterbacks around the league who not too long ago achieved success in the NFL (and were paid handsomely for it), but now find themselves at a career crossroad. Indianapolis’ Andrew Luck faces another setback after being shut down from practice. Shoulder soreness resulted in Luck receiving a cortisone shot and as soon as the news broke, many around the league, including the distinguished gentlemen on “32 Kings Road” wondered whether or not Luck would ever recover, and whether or not the organization should cut their losses and move on from the QB they wagered their future on. Next up is Arizona’s Carson Palmer, who suffered a broken arm Sunday and is assumed to be out for the season. Carson has struggled the last few seasons before being injured and the state the Cards’ organization is in now (David Johnson out, Bruce Arians one foot out the door) things don’t seem to be getting any better. It may be time for Carson to call it a career. We’ll move on to Mr. Jay Cutler, who told y’all over the summer he never wanted a part of any of this NFL shit to begin with. He was comfortable with his new broadcasting gig. But here came the Dolphins all desperate and shit, begging Cutler (but never calling Colin Kaepernick) to come out of retirement to fill in during Ryan Tannehill’s absence. It’s obvious Cutler knew coming back was a bad decision. But the Dolphins offered that man $10 million to ride the struggle bus for just one year, and you can bet your bottom dollar he responded to that offer with his best impersonation of Clay Davis. Sheeeiiiiiittt, I would come out the house right now for $10 and Kit-Kat! Unfortunately, Cutler was injured behind the same O-line that always got Tannehill hurt, and if Miami is able to find relative success with backup Matt Moore under center, I’m sure Jay will gladly take his check and stay at home with no hard feelings. Speaking of the Dolphins, we’ll go to the team they’ll face this Thursday night in Baltimore, whose quarterback just might give the franchise a smooth $10 mil back just to let him escape this ugly season while he’s still relatively healthy. Joe Flacco is having a nightmare season so far. He isn’t playing well – his numbers easily tell that story (5TDs, 8 INTs). But the story many people won’t read into is the lack of a supporting cast around him. Sure, injuries happen on every team and impact a roster every year. But this shit, right here? This shit?! RIGHT HERE?!?! Is inexplicable. Steve Smith Sr. retired in the offseason. RB Kenneth Dixon got suspended, then got injured for the season. Primary target and best friend Dennis Pitta got injured and retired from football. Free agent pickup Danny Woodhead got injured the first drive of the season. Pro Bowl guard Marshall Yanda got injured for the season. Starting RB Terrance West got injured. WR and first-round draft pick Breshad Perriman proved once and for all he is a bust, then he got injured. WR and free agent pickup Jeremy Maclin got injured. WR Mike Wallace got injured. Flacco is left with a 7th round, under-sized slot receiver and a journeyman wideout who just a week ago was not on an NFL roster as his remaining offensive weapons. Yeah, good luck playing up to your contract, Joe. Now just 45 minutes down I-95 is Skins’ QB Kirk Cousins, who continues to be disrespected by Washington’s front office with their refusal to sign him to a long-term deal, despite the fact the he kept the franchise above water after they infamously sold (and lost) their soul to RG3. They let Cousins’ two leading targets from last season walk in free agency, then expected Cousins to carry the Skins past the likes of the Eagles and Cowboys, who are as stacked on offense as any team can be. And Cousins’ lack of weapons on offense were obvious last week in Philadelphia, as his record on Monday Night Football reached an abysmal 0-5. And finally we have Superman Cam Newton, whose Panthers have lost two straight games. Their most recent loss was an embarrassing one at home to the Chicago Bears where the Panthers managed to score just one field goal. Newton is playing behind an offensive line that cannot protect him long enough for him to get the ball downfield to receivers who can’t get open. During their two game losing streak, Cam has committed six turnovers. The Panthers are losing their grip on the NFC South while their offense struggles to score points and the surprising New Orleans Saints keep stacking wins. Dressing like Rollo from Sanford and Son won’t help Cam Newton look like anything other than a washed up sucka!

LOST IN THE FOG. The biggest disappointment from last week’s action was the Atlanta Falcons who had a chance to right the ship in a rematch of last year’s Super Bowl. Many believed the Falcons could finally get the bad taste of that epic meltdown out their mouths if they could go on the road and beat one of the best teams in one of the toughest environments. But it actually was the environment that played a role in this one as the opaque New England fog hovered over the field like white privilege. And the Falcons never had a chance. It was surprising to see their talented offense struggle against the Pats’ defense, which has been one of the worst units in the league up to this point. Of the seven QBs the Patriots have faced this season, Ryan became the first one that didn’t throw for over 300 yards against them. After falling behind early the Falcons, who have struggled since the Super Bowl in terms of second half point differential, could never mount a comeback. They had a multitude of breakdowns on defense but the glaring problem Atlanta faces is the inability to get anything going on offense. Matt Ryan is quickly regressing back to his former self. Don’t get me wrong – I know Ryan is one of the better QBs in this league. At least 28 teams would sell their souls to have him. But if you take out Ryan’s 2016 MVP season, you’re left with the career of a guy who gives you a lot of quantity in terms of his final numbers, but not a lot of quality in terms of WHEN he puts up those numbers. He often comes up small in big games despite the plethora of weapons surrounding him. And you can’t tell me the aforementioned QBs above wouldn’t sell their souls and their first born RIGHT NOW to be blessed with the embarrassment of riches that Ryan can’t seem to succeed with. One thing I can tell you is if Flacco, Cam, and even Eli Manning had at least Julio Jones to throw to, they would have managed to win a[nother] Super Bowl ring…

FINAL NOTES

• The New Orleans Saints are over .500 for the first time since 2013. Who knew?
• The Miami Dolphins have won twelve consecutive one-possession games. I’m praying they don’t pull out a close one on Thursday
• Houston Texans’ Duane Brown finally ends his holdout, returns to team. This should help rookie QB DeShaun Watson down the stretch

Check us out next time as Week 8 kicks off Thursday night in Baltimore with two of the NFL’s worst offenses fighting for room in the dumpster, the Vikings and Browns get one last chance to embarrass the U.S. over in London, there are two games featuring black starting quarterbacks (Cam vs. Jameis and Watson vs. Wilson), and there are NO games this week between teams with winning records. Let me know what y’all think.

The GameDay Decrees are here and if we weren’t scratching our heads after last week, then Week 6 has left us flat-out dumbfounded. You would think the more we progress through the season the more understanding we would have with what this season is becoming, but I have no idea what to make of the NFL right now. I’m more confused than Michael Corleone was when Clemenza advised him not to look away from people, but not to look anyone in the eyes either. Bruh, what does that even mean??? If one thing’s for sure, we can completely throw the concept of “home-field advantage” out the window. Eight of the 14 games played resulted in the road team winning. The road teams are even winning on Thursday Night now! Defense was played in New Orleans. Trevor Siemian led the league in passing. Up is down, down is left, none of it makes sense. After a week where we thought the true pretenders would go hide under a rock so the contenders could take the stand, the opposite happened. These phonies are disguised as winners worse than Nick Young in a Warriors jersey and it’s hard to tell which teams are legitimate. Back in 2015 there were five undefeated teams through six weeks. This year, there are NONE! There are only 6 AFC teams with winning records, three of which are just 3-2. There’s 9 winning teams in the NFC and of those 9, three of them reside in the NFC South. The NFL truly is wide open for whoever wants to stop bluffing and take the reigns over this thing. And if Guwop can settle down and turn his life around, so can your favorite NFL team. Let’s get into it.

NFC Supremacy. Week 6 began with a matchup of two 4-1 NFC teams – the Eagles and Panthers – both of which were riding their hot franchise QBs and their stellar defenses heading into this game. But it was the unstoppable force that moved the immovable object as the Eagles proved to be Superman Cam Newton’s kryptonite. Philly prevailed victorious as their QB, Carson Wentz AKA Mr. Third Down continued to impress in his sophomore season. He helped carry Philly’s offense past a physical Carolina team that pressured him early on when Panthers’ Julius Peppers strip-sacked Wentz on their first drive. Despite committing 10 penalties for 126 yards, the Eagles managed to make plays when it counted most. Wentz connected with ol’ reliable TE Zach Ertz, whose two catches on the day were both for touchdowns. As resilient as Wentz has been this season, it was Philly’s defense that made their imprint as they held Cam Newton in check down the stretch. They forced Newton into an inefficient 53 percent completion while throwing a career high 52 pass attempts. He seemed flustered down the stretch and struggled to connect with a receiver other than Christian McCaffrey (10 catches) or Kelvin Benjamin (9 catches). He often took unwarranted deep shots downfield and was out there forcing throws as hard as he forced that apology video to all the women he offended last week. After cutting their deficit to just five points in the 4^th quarter, Newton either rushed his throw when he felt the blitz, or miscommunicated with Benjamin in reading coverage on a 3^rd and 10 pass that ended up in the hands of an Eagles’ DB, ultimately ending the game.  After dropping to 4-2 the Panthers still look like a more-improved team from last year and should be optimistic that they still lead their division despite a disappointing loss at home. The Eagles on the other hand are still flying high, appearing through 6 weeks to not only be the best team in their respective division, but also the best team in their entire conference.

Winter Has Come for the NFC North. Playing quarterback in the NFL is hard, bro. It is without question the hardest position to excel at in all of sports. But the quarterbacks who play in the NFC North division specifically have had the most painful first six weeks of a season than any division in recent history. Each of the four teams has either had their starting QB get injured or has been forced to start their backup QB at some point this season. No, seriously. Chicago benched Mike Glennon for rookie Mitchell Trubisky two weeks ago. We know why that happened. Minnesota has played their THIRD STRING quarterback for half the season after Teddy Bridgewater (who was cleared to practice this week) went down last year, they brought in Sam Bradford and this year and he managed to get hurt again. Bradford was then replaced by Case Keenum. Detroit shoved Matt Stafford out on the field Sunday despite him injuring both his ankle and hamstring the previous week. Stafford was a shell of himself in New Orleans – lacking the ability to escape pressure and step into throws downfield. As a result Stafford was sacked five times, lost two fumbles, and threw three interceptions in a blowout loss. But the most impactful injury was suffered by THEE quarterback in this division, the water dancer AKA Arya Stark-back-in-Winterfell AKA Aaron Rodgers. He suffered a broken collarbone in the first quarter Sunday when Vikings’ LB Antony Barr rolled Rodgers into the ground. It wasn’t a dirty play at all, but the loss of Rodgers has made the North one messy division now that the best player on the best team is expected to miss the rest of the season. It’s starting to look like winner of this division could come down to who has the healthiest QB when it’s all said and done.  And based on that logic, at the current moment that guy appears to be (by default)…Mitchell Trubisky???

Baltimore Boys. Speaking of Trubisky, the rookie earned his first career win last week in Baltimore – a game that you couldn’t pay me to watch again. Both Trubisky and Ravens QB Joe Flacco can thank the kids from Charm City who served as the real playmakers that made this game interesting. The Ravens were threatening in Chicago territory late in the 4th quarter with a chance to take the lead. Mount Saint Joseph graduate Kyle Fuller defended a comeback route on the sideline that was deflected up in the air. Teammate and former Calvert Hall standout Adrian Amos came up with the football and housed that thang 90 yards for the score. With the Ravens down 8 points with just under two minutes remaining in the game, the other Mount Saint Joe’s product on the field turned the tide. Ravens’ Michael Campanaro caught a booming punt, raced toward the left sideline, and with a caravan of blockers escorting him downfield, Campanaro’s 77 yard touchdown return helped tie the game and send it into overtime. But it was the Bears who made the big plays in OT to emerge victorious as they leaned on RB Jordan Howard down the stretch. Howard broke off a 53 yard run downfield to put the Bears in FG range and Connor Barth sealed the deal with his 40 yard game-winner, Chicago’s second dub of the season. But we can all agree this game wouldn’t have been anywhere close to the thriller it turned out to be if it wasn’t for those boys born and raised in the self-proclaimed “Greatest City in America.”

The Curse is Real. Soooo the Cardinals beat the brakes off the Buccaneers on Sunday. It was bad. Like Charles Barkley tuuuuuurrble. Arizona was up 31-0 before Tampa even got on the board. Shit, it was so bad we were all convinced Adrian Peterson was still an elite running back. Jokes aside, shout-out to AP though for a great game (134 yds, 2 TDs), notching his 50th career 100-yard game and proving even if for a week, that he still has some gas left in the tank. But the biggest story from the Tampa-Arizona game is one that not enough people are focusing on. Ryan Fitzpatrick, the journeyman backup QB for the Bucs, is a gotdamn curse. Fitz saw action in this game after starting QB Jameis Winston left with an injury to his throwing shoulder. Doesn’t seem like a big deal on the surface, right? I mean, quarterbacks get hurt every day B. Except every team that has ever signed Fitzpatrick has lost their starting QB to injury. And if you have spare time in your life to waste tracking Fitz’s career, yes – that is indeed seven DIFFERENT teams! And to add insult to injury, it’s happened on nine different occasions. Rams’ Marc Bulger in 2005. Bengals’ Carson Palmer in 2008. Bills’ Trent Edwards in 2009. Titans’ Jake Locker in 2013 (damn…Jake Locker). Texans’ Ryan Mallett in 2014. Jets’ Geno Smith in 2015. Geno Smith AGAIN in 2016 when he got plucked in the jaw. And AGAIN that same season yo, the same season after Bryce Petty went down. And last but not least, this past Sunday when Winston went down. Just know that if you even touch Fitzpatrick, your season will end in injury. Now if Colin Kaepernick needs any more ammunition for his collusion case against the NFL, all he has to do is simply show that Tampa Bay’s upper management would rather knowingly curse their franchise QB instead of giving Kaep an opportunity.

The Curse is Cured. If the witchcraft and wizardy from above kept you in the dump, here’s a ray of light to boost morale. The Los Angeles MOTHERFUCKIN’ Charges are finally, Finally, FINALLY! winning close games. For a team notorious for losing close games in historic fashioned the last few years, the Chargers have put together back to back wins – most recently a victory over Oakland with a game-winning field goal as time expired. They were led by Philip Rivers and Melvin Gordon who both contributed a touchdown each while playing turnover-free football. Credit the Chargers’ defense for keeping Marshawn Lynch in check and only giving up just six points the entire second half. They’re only 2-4 but with their first win against Oakland since November of 2014, the Chargers have a chance to NOT be alone in the basement of AFC West, at least for the time being.

No More Parties in L.A. We’ll stay in Los Angeles and will tip our hats to the 4-2 Rams, who are currently tied with the 2nd best record in the NFC. They went into Jacksonville and defeated the upstart Jaguars in a game many people picked the Jags to win. But it was the team from Westeros that emerged victorious thanks to their hot start. Returnman Pharoh Cooper took the opening kickoff back for a TD to get this party started. RB Todd Gurley continued to produce out of the backfield (116 yds) despite the struggles of Jared Goff and the passing game. They added another special teams touchdown late in the 2nd half when LB Cory Littleton broke through the line to block a punt and Michael Brown come up with the scoop-N-score to give LA a 10-point lead. Although they were added to Leonard Fournette’s unlucky list of teams he ran up and down on, LA’s defense still managed to lock the Jags down, notching five sacks on the day and allowing just a field goal in the second half. A Message to the good people of Los Angeles: you currently have a winning football team. If you truly claim to be a city that “only supports winners” then it’s time y’all start attending the Rams’ games.

Achilles’ Heel. Our last hope for at least one NFL team to assert their dominance this season came crashing down as the Steelers went into Kansas City (again) and dominated the Chiefs. KC failed to avenge last season’s playoff loss and was doomed from the start in this one when right out the gate, a bad snap went over the head of Alex Smith, resulting in a safety. Their struggles continued as RB Kareem Hunt was a non-factor for the majority of the game. Smith was brought back down to life with an average performance when compared to what he’d done the first month of the season. He didn’t turn the ball over but Smith was consistently inaccurate with his throws, missing receivers on plays he had been making all season. And Travis Kelce? He disappeared like Keri Hilson did after she decided to talk sideways about Beyonce. To put their ineptitude into perspective, the Chiefs came in averaging 32.8 points per game, the most in the NFL. They couldn’t even produce half of that, held to just 13 points on Sunday. By halftime the Chiefs had just six yards of offense and only one first down. Credit goes to the Steelers for rebounding from an ugly loss at home the week before to dominate the most complete team in the league. They looked like the old school Steelers – relying heavily on the run and playing stifling defense. They were carried by RB Le’Veon Bell (32 rushes for 184 yds) who appeared to get stronger by the run. Pittsburgh’s passing game still hasn’t become the prolific unit everyone thought they’d be but they were the beneficiaries of a fluke play late in the 4th quarter when Ben Roethlisberger under-threw WR Antonio Brown. The ball was deflected right into his hands and Brown ran the remainder of the field for a 52 yard TD to separate from the Chiefs. They closed out the game scraping the rust off the Steel Curtain when Deebo himself AKA James Harrison wrecked havoc on Kansas City’s last drive, pressuring Alex Smith into incomplete passes to end the game. As inconsistent as the Steelers have been so far this season, no one can doubt they are the most equipped roster on paper to take over the reigns of the AFC. It’s just a matter of if and when they put the pieces together offensively to match the production they’re getting on defense.

FINAL NOTES

• The New Orleans Saints had their first game since 2011 where they scored 3 defensive touchdowns. Never thought the words “Saints,” “defense,” and “the” would ever be used in the same sentence.
• The 49ers became the first team in NFL history to lose five games in a row by three points or fewer.

That’s all we got for this week, people. I’m sure Week 7 will be just as depressingly-exciting as there will be six matchups between divsional rivals, too much purple will be on the field in Minnesota, and the Falcons get a shot at revenge in the rematch of last year’s epic Superbowl. Let me know what y’all think.

The GameDay Decrees are here to drop these bars on you like we’re in the BET cipher…or like the way black folks are putting down Dove soap. Either way, Week 5 is in the books and we have a lot to go over. The NFL is in shambles right now…and I am here for ALL. OF. IT! Two of the biggest names in the game suffered long-term injuries. We have politicians attending and then refusing to stay at games because they were offended by player protests (even though deciding not to support an event because you disagree with its methods is literally, the definition of a protest. Dick). A Dolphin takes a ride on a white bronco. And the league’s front office pulls a DaVinci Code on the rulebook. How fitting for the NFL to participate in revisionist’s history the same weekend we celebrate the history of the world’s most heinous revisionist. The second week in October truly is dedicated to foreigners who travel from distant lands to destroy the homes of others. The road teams came in town and won 10 of the 14 games played last week. And I highly doubt we will dedicate a day off from work to acknowledge any of them. I can say Week 5 turned out to be the most competitive group of games thus far as 11 of them were decided by just eight points or less. The hope for parity has been the NFL’s version of the American Dream and so far it seems to be coming true. More than half of the league has to feel good about themselves as 16 teams currently hold winning records and 4 are staying above water at 2-2. But the other 12 teams with losing records have to right the ship soon or 2017 will become more like a nightmare ride through the Middle Passage. Let’s get into it.

Pillaging Patriots. We started last weekend off on Thursday night as the Patriots won a close one against the Buccaneers. OF COOUUURSE a group of guys wearing red, white, and blue, calling themselves “Patriots” would show up at somebody else’s stadium, steal a win, but call the other guys pirates. And it wasn’t all smooth sailing on the Santa Maria for the Pats early on in this one. Tom Brady missed high on a throw and was picked off by Bucs’ rookie Justin Evans on the first drive of the game. It was Brady’s first interception thrown on the road in the regular season since 2015, so you know the moans and groans of him being washed started fluttering around the airways. The Bucs were able to get to Brady early and often, and it appeared they had the formula to beat the defending champs. The Bucs caught a break in the 2^nd half when LB Adarius Gladden came off the corner and blasted Brady, forcing a fumble that was recovered by teammate Will Clarke. But the theme of this game for Tampa Bay was their inaccuracies and it became the death of them. Kicker Nick Folk missed his second field goal of the game, failing to capitalize on the fumble recovery. Jamies Winston on the other hand finally got in sync with receiver DeSean Jackson (5 catches for 104 yds) but Winston was wildly inaccurate on throws downfield and missed on a few deep balls that would have blown this game open in their favor. After Jackson’s 41 yard reception, Folk missed his third field goal – this time just a 31 yarder that should have tied the game had he not gone 0-3 on the night. The Bucs tried to put together a drive with just a minute left and a chance to win the game with a touchdown. Props to Winston for hanging in the pocket and marching the offense downfield despite DeSean Jackson leaving the game with injury. But with just 3 seconds left at New England’s 19 yard line, Winston dropped back and with only three Pats’ defenders rushing him, even broadcaster Tony Romo pointed out Winston would have enough time to make a good decision with the ball. But instead, Winston threw the ball quickly into traffic before his receivers could even cross the goal line and the ball fell incomplete. If the Bucs plan to take the next step (and compete in the suddenly-competitive NFC South), they have to find ways to win games like this one. It’s easy to put all the blame on kicker Nick Folk, as much as he indeed deserves it. But the Bucs’ missed several opportunities on offense too, going 4 for 13 on 3^rd down and only scoring 14 points against a defense that had given up 32 points per game the previous 4 weeks.  Focusing on just the Bucs here would be the American way though – blaming the victim. The Patriots deserve credit after coming up with a much-needed win on the road. Their defense which has been heavily criticized all season finally answered the call, and Tom Brady found a way as he always does to overcome the adversity of not having top weapon Rob Gronkowski  to put just enough points on the board to get the win. Brady’s stellar performance in the second half should quiet all the noise – at least for a week – that he was losing a step. All of the GOATs are succebtable to mistakes at times. Jay-Z made that “Sunshine” video and I don’t hear anyone bringing up THAT shit anymore.

Keep balling, TFB. 40 is the new 20…even with that “shoulder sprain.”

The Shocker in Shitsburgh. The biggest surprise from Week 5 was the Jacksonville Jaguars who went into Pittsburgh and blew out the Steelers in abusive fashion. If I would have told you Blake Bortles completed just 8 of 14 passes for 95 yards, threw an interception, and he was the best quarterback on the field…you’d think I was lying. Bortles’ ineptitude was overshadowed by the play of the great Ben Roethlisberger, who looked everything but on Sunday. A non-existent run game coupled with pressure to get WR Antonio Bryant the ball led to Ben throwing the ball 55 times. He threw 5 interceptions, 3.5 of which were his fault. But hey, who’s counting? This Steelers team has been consistently inconsistent this season and after the team spent the week dealing with in-house distractions, maybe the writing has been on the wall and we just refused to read it. We should have listened to Ben this summer when he told y’all he was sick of this football shit! He’s been sending signs that he wants a career change as bad as Maggie Gyllenhaal does in The Deuce. And maybe, it took BOTH of them catching an ass-whooping to realize they’re in the wrong business. Ben should hit up Tony Romo to see if his new gig is still hiring.But all the attention shouldn’t be given to the Steelers here. The young Jaguars are outchea ballin’! Rookie Leonard Fournette had the best game of his young career with 181 yds and 2 TDs, the last one a 90-yarder where he ran untouched through the middle of the Steelers’ defense. But the pillar to the Jags’ early success is hands down their talented defense. They slowly but surely constructed this defense with perfection, bringing in Calais Campbell to dominate upfront to go along with their talent secondary led by Jalen Ramsey, who looks like the best corner in football the first month of the season. Suddenly, my prediction the Jags would go at least 6-10 doesn’t seem so far-fetched…

Peyton Manning Day. The Indianapolis Football Team (again, I’m from Baltimore so I don’t use the “C” word) honored the great Peyton Manning by inducting him in the franchise’s ring of honor and erecting a statue of him out front the stadium. No doubt Peyton deserves this. But Indy thought they were slick scheduling their homecoming game against the 49ers. We all know how that works: you plan all your team festivities on a day you think you’re going to beat the brakes off a lesser opponent. I hope they didn’t take the Niners lightly because they gave Indy everything they could handle, taking Indy into OT (this was San Francisco’s second-straight overtime game played this season). Indy traded the lead back and forth the 1^st half, but pulled away in the second after a 63 yard scramble-and-throw by QB Jacoby Brissett to WR T.Y Hilton, which set up a 3 yard TD run by Brissett to give Indy a 23-9 lead with just under 10 minutes left. And that’s when this game got interesting. QB Brian Hoyer led the Niners on 79 and 89 yard touchdown drives to suddenly tie the game and force OT. In overtime, Brissett connected on another deep ball to Hilton which should have set them up for the game winning field goal, but Brissett forced a throw into the endzone and it was picked off and returned half way down the field. But Indy’s defense held on and got the ball back to the offense, and rookie RB Marlon Mack decided he had plans later tonight and needed to get this game over with. He broke off a 35 yard run up the sideline to put the offense in field goal range and luckily for Indianapolis, they have the most clutch kicker in NFL history on their team. Adam Vinateiri came out and nailed a 51 yarder to give Indy their second win on the season. I know it’s a very small sample size, but yo. Brissett has played surprisingly well the last few weeks and depending on if/when Andrew Luck returns, this guy may have some suitors next offseason. If he had a more talented cast around him I think more people would be noticing his production. And speaking of production, Indy got work out of their backfield as Mack went for 91 yds and a TD and The Workhorse Frank Gore contributed 48 yards on the ground, propelling him to 7^th place on the NFL’s all-time rushing yards list. And you know what the sad part is about all this? Poor Mike Pence didn’t get to stick around to witness it.

The Battle of the [Winless] Bastards. Heading into Week 5 both the Chargers and Giants were two of the NFL’s three winless teams. So unfortunately, somebody had to win this dumpster fire which featured Eli Manning and Philip Rivers, two QBs who were infamously traded for each other on draft day back in 2004. It was the Chargers who came out on top after rebounding from a rough start in this one. They relied heavily on RB Melvin Gordon who flat out got it done coming out the backfield (105 rushing yds). Gordon also led the team in receptions, scoring the Chargers’ first TD of the game on a 6 yard pass from Phillip Rivers. In the second half, Rivers and Manning put on a show of one-upsmanship that proved why these two are still heralded as some of the best in the business 14 years after they were drafted. In the 3^rd quarter Manning capitalized after Rivers threw an endzone interception by marching 80 yards and throwing a 29 yard TD pass to Roger Lewis to regain the lead. But Rivers responded with a 92 yard drive and a 25 yard TD throw of his own to put the Chargers back up by 1. But early in the 4^th Eli hung in a collapsing pocket, avoided a sack and hurled the ball downfield to Odell Beckham Jr who was wide open for a 48 yard touchdown. But that was the last glimmer of hope we would see from the Giants as Beckham, Brandon Marshall, and Sterling Shepard EACH left the game with ankle injuries. Without anyone on offense to deliver the ball to, Eli held onto the ball too long in the pocket and was strip sacked and turned it over in Charger territory. Rivers got the last laugh when he went back to Melvin Gordon again coming out of the backfield on 3^rd down, and Gordon walked in for his second TD of the day to win the game.  With Rivers at age 35 and Eli 36 now, I have to admit it sucks to watch these two top-tier QBs spending the beginning of the end of their careers playing on such helpless rosters, especially knowing that there are a handful of talented teams around the league who are just one quality quarterback away from taking the next step.

The Battle of the Birds (or The Carson Bowl). The Arizona Cardinals flew into Philadelphia just in time to watch the Eagles take off the runway in route to a 34-7 blowout victory. It was a tale of two Carson’s and the success (or lack thereof) of each QB was the obvious difference in this game. Carson Wentz had a breakout game, scoring on each of the offenses first three drives and throwing 3 of his 4 touchdowns in the first quarter. He was protected well (sacked just once) and got great performances from his supporting cast. The running game notched 122 yards by committee, and receivers Nelson Agholor and Rickon Stark AKA Torrey Smith showed they could run the other 8 options on the route tree. The Eagles’ defense held down the fort up front without He-Man Fletcher Cox, holding Arizona to just 31 yards rushing as a team. The Eagles improved to an impressive 4-1 on the season and own the outright lead of the NFC East. Carson Palmer on the other hand was not as lucky, and it’s hard to have any balance on offense when you find yourself down 21 points before the first TV timeout. The only bright spot in any Cardinals game the last two years seems to be the ageless wonder Larry Fitzgerald who achieved yet another career milestone. He became just the 3rd player with a catch in 200 straight regular season games, only behind Tony Gonzalez and Jerry Rice.

The Cat Fight. The Panthers and Lions clashed in the only Week 5 matchup between teams with winning records. As expected, both teams’ respective quarterbacks were asked to shoulder the load down the stretch. The Gunslinger (and the highest paid QB in the league…I feel like this has to be mentioned every time) Matt Stafford faced off against former league MVP and newly self-appointed President of Women’s Rights, Cam Newton. We’re gonna address the elephant in the room before we even discuss the game. I hate to admit this but I sorta, kinda got what Cam was TRYING to say in terms of his comments to the reporter. I don’t believe in his heart his intentions were to offend. But people can’t hear your intention; they only hear your words and Cam Newton’s choice of words were ill-thought and flat out ignorant. Newton also isn’t the most loquacious brother in the world…his post-game comments about his original comments were almost just as bad. The brother could probably use Kenyon as his speech writer moving forward…and a quick synopsis of the movie Mulan. I just hope both he and other people learned that type of thinking is the building block for how marginalized groups in this country become marginalized in the first place – that you actually can limit someone’s accomplishments based on your limited ways of thinking about them. Now, to the game. It became a momentous occasion in the 2^nd quarter when rookie RB Christian McCaffrey scored his first career touchdown off a shuffle pass from Newton. Despite an ineffective run game (from both teams, actually) Newton put the Panthers on his back completing 78 percent of his passes for 355 yards, 3 TDs and no turnovers. The Lions on the other hand found themselves down 27-10 in the 4^th quarter and unfortunately this was no new territory for them. But they didn’t have enough time on the clock and Stafford didn’t have enough time in the pocket to stage another Detroit comeback.  Stafford was sacked 6 times on the day and ended up injuring his hamstring and ankle.Despite throwing two 4^th quarter TDs to bring the Panthers within 3 while hobbling throughout the 4^th quarter, the Lions’ defense couldn’t get enough stops to give them a chance in the end. It was a statement win for the Panthers who improved to 4-1 on the season, but a tough loss for the Lions who usually excel at home in these situations. You can’t win ‘em all. But a trend has been growing over the years in regard to the ones Stafford and this Lions team can’t win. Stafford is 5-43 in his career against opponents with .500+ records. This is however more of an indictment on Detroit’s defense which often times gives up the lead late in games against quality offenses.

Coming of Age. If we can take anything away from this past weekend it should be the emergence of players around the league who are already making names for themselves. Rookie QBs DeShaun Watson and Mitchell Trubisky shined on prime-time television but in losing efforts. Despite the L’s Watson and Money Mitch proved they both have what it takes to make plays at the highest level on the league’s biggest stage. It will be exciting to watch these two young men grow into the franchise quarterbacks they were drafted to be. But the most impactful QB performance to note from the weekend is Mr. Alex Smith whose performance in Houston was a snapshot of how great he’s played this season as a whole. With a rookie draftee on his heels, Smith transformed into football’s version of Hoodie Melo. He has silenced (so far) the critics who labeled him just a game manager who couldn’t make the necessary throws downfield to carry his team to victory. But Smith has done all of that and some, and he is the difference for this undefeated Chiefs team. His numbers through 5 games are as follows: 121 of 158, 76.5%, 1,391 yards, 11 TD’s, 0 Int, and a QBR of 125.7. I know awards aren’t given until the end of the season but Alex Smith is the NFL’s MVP thus far.

FINAL NOTES

Miles Garrett made his NFL debut and the kid is worth the wait. He became the 1st #1 overall pick to record 2 sacks in his first game.

Titans’ Phillip Supernaw, the man with the best name in sports, likely became the first player to ever commit two consecutive false starts, then score his first career TD on the next play.

The Texans lost both JJ Watt and Whitney Mercilus to season ending injuries. The two have been the best teammate sack combo in the league since 2014.

The Packers beat the Cowboys AGAIN in what can be heralded as the game of the year so far. Dallas was up 21-6 in the 2nd quarter and that defense still couldn’t hold the lead. Aaron Rodgers is now 6-2 vs. Dallas and how much more evidence do we need that you canNOT give that man the ball with any time left on the clock?

That’s all we got for this week, folks. Check out the GameDay Decrees next time when we cover the action from Week 6 which will feature two of the NFC’s best facing off on Thursday night in Carolina. The Steelers return to Kansas City in a rematch of last year’s AFC Divisional round. Kyle Shanahan comes home. And dare I say it: the AFC East lead is up for grabs as the Patriots head to New [Jersey] to play the Jets. Let me know what y’all think.

The Gameday Decrees are back and MANNN! A lot has happened around the league the last two weeks. We somehow made it home from the vacation the whole league took to Upset City in Weeks 3 and 4 as the NFL’s underdogs went toe to toe with the pre-ordained juggernauts. This past Sunday we watched last season’s Superbowl participants both lose after being favorites on their home field. We watched six teams who didn’t make the playoffs in 2016 pick up Week 4 wins, and each of them currently hold winning records. Week 4 presented us with 6 inter-conference battles (AFC vs. NFC), where the NFC  went 4-2 in such games. We also saw two overtime games in New [Jersey] and in Arizona that seemed to benefit from the new OT rules. But let’s cut the nonsense. The theme from this past weekend was our first taste of Rivalry Week! This edition of the Gameday Decrees is dedicated to the division rivalry games that took place around the league, and trust when I say there was no love lost between these bitter adversaries. It was the equivalent of the Montagues vs. the Capulets. The Starks vs. the Lannisters. Bad Boy vs. Death Row. The National Anthem vs. The Dipset Anthem. And the only way we aren’t taking a knee is if we get to stand next to a thick chick in sandals while watching Shaft, clockin’ math. Let’s get into it!

Packers-Bears. Week 4 kicked off with NFL’s two oldest rivals battling on the national stage. It was a tough game to watch as Green Bay took advantage of Chicago’s comedy of mistakes. And when I say comedy, I mean the shit was hilarious. Like Dave Chappelle and Chris Rock tag-team roasting your homeboy’s haircut hilarious.  After falling behind 0-7 early in the 1st, Bears’ QB Mike Glennon dropped back and patted the ball about 5 times too many. The pocket collapsed on his soul and he was strip sacked by the possessed man, Clay Matthews, who looks like he celebrated that play by sniffing a line or three. On the next drive, Glennon approached the line of scrimmage to audible but his center hiked the ball at his knee, and Glennon accidentally kicked it up field right to Packers’ LB Blake Martinez. Now at this point, all of us watching were pretty much laughed out. But nah, not ol’ Mikey. Glennon must have wondered how on Earth could this get ANY funnier, and he definitely found a way. He overthrew WR Markus Wheaton and instead found none other than Packers’ Ha-Ha (hahahaha) Clinton Dix – Glennon’s 3^rd turnover in the half. It’s already hard enough stopping Aaron Rodgers on a weekly basis. But if you give that man multiple chances AND a shortened field, it’s only a matter of time before you find yourself in a deep hole. And Rodgers wasted no time chucking the ball downfield on the very next play to Jordy Nelson for a 58 yd gain, which set up Aaron Jones’ TD run to give the Pack a 21-0 lead over the Bears, skunking them before John Fox could spell “Trubisky.” The Bears decided they’ve seen enough from Glennon and they pressed the fast forward button on the timetable for Money Mitch, who will be the 3^rd rookie QB to start a game this season.  And the young gun will get the start next week on the biggest of stages – at home against division rival Minnesota on Monday Night Football! (As far as the Bears-Packers rivalry goes, Green Bay has won the last 3 matchups and leads the all-time series 95-94-6).

Lions-Vikings. The Lions emerged victorious after a defensive struggle in Minnesota that turned south for the Vikings in the second half once rookie running back Dalvin Cook fell to the turf with an ACL tear. Bruh, it has been ALL BAD in Minnesota ever since Prince died. Teddy Bridgewater goes down. Adrian Peterson leaves, Sam Bradford gets hurt, and NOWWW Dalvin Cook, who ranks 3^rd in the league in rushing, is gone for the season?! No other team has been decimated by injuries the way the Vikings have and I’m not sure they can continue to weather the storm if they keep losing playmakers at this rate. To add insult to injury, Cook fumbled the football on the same play, setting Detroit up to go just 29 yards into the endzone for the go-ahead touchdown. It was yet another low-scoring affair between these two divisional foes, both who struggled to get anything going offensively. Without Cook on the field, the Vikings’ offense was one dimensional. QB Case Keenum came back down off cloud nine, completing just a shade over 50 percent of his passes for 219 yards. The Lions on the other hand weren’t much better as Matt Stafford (209 yds) was restricted from throwing the deep ball. But the positive takeaway from Stafford’s “struggles” if you want to call it that was he showed the patience and maturity of a top tier quarterback to take what the defense gave him as opposed to trying to force the issue downfield like he had done in the past, which often led to turnovers. And the difference this season is obvious- the Lions lead the NFL with a +9 turnover differential. Even though the Vikings lead this all-time series 71-39-2, the Lions have won the last 3 matchups and currently share the NFC North division lead with Green Bay.

Steelers-Ravens. Speaking of great rivalries, the NFL’s BEST rivalry added another chapter to its book as the Steelers and Ravens faced off in Baltimore with first place in the AFC North on the line. It was a pivotal matchup between two teams rebounding from head-scratching road losses against seemingly lesser opponents the previous week. Unfortunately, it didn’t live up to the hype. The Ravens came dressed in their all black Night’s Watch unis ready to put in that work, but their own funeral was the more fitting occasion. The Ravens’ offensive woes continued as it was virtually nonexistent for the fourth game in a row. King Crow Joe Flacco was ineffective, throwing two 4^th quarter interceptions that killed any momentum they had down the stretch. Flacco has thrown an interception in 10 straight games, which is the longest streak in the NFL. Another reoccurring theme for the Ravens was their abysmal offensive line that resulted in Flacco being sacked 4 times; he was under constant pressure most of the game. When he did have time in the pocket his receivers couldn’t get open and any time they did get separation, Flacco threw an inaccurate pass. Or his receivers simply dropped the ball. I’m pointing at you, Mike Wallace. Baltimore’s offense is in a current state of shock, being outscored 70-16 the last two games. The Steelers on the other hand rebounded from the previous week’s road loss by grinding out yards via the run game. Le’Veon  Bell returned to form (35 carries, 144 yds 2 TDs) and looked like the best back in the league again. Big Ben struggled to complete his prototypical deep ball, but their passing attack converted 7 of 15 3rd downs to keep drives alive and more importantly, keep their bend-but-don’t-break defense which is the 2^nd best pass defense in the league, well rested on the sidelines. This is the Steelers’ 2^nd consecutive win vs. Baltimore dating back to last season, and their first ever victory in Baltimore by more than 13 points.

49ers-Cardinals. Alright so I’m going to spare you all of the details from this bum fight that took place in Arizona. Long story short, the Niners and Cards spent the first 60 minutes exchanging field goals (8 to be exact). Robbie Gould and Phil Dawson were both out their putting in that work! Neither team really wanted to win this game so they dragged it into overtime. And that’s when the shit got really real! The 49ers marched downfield on an impressive drive which led to Gould nailing a 23 yard FG to give San Fran a 15-12 lead with just over 5 minutes left. But Carson AKA Cersei-with-the-Bieber-cut Palmer led Arizona downfield like he is supposed to, connecting with receiver Jaron Brown to get into Niners’ territory. Palmer then found John Brown in the corner of the endzone for a pass and catch that appeared to win the game, but officials ruled Brown’s second foot barely touched out of bounds. So on 2^nd down, Palmer took to the air again with just 38 seconds left in OT. But this time he looked to the guy on his team with the surest hands IN THE LEAGUE…just some guy named Larry Darnell Fitzgerald, Junior, who went up to get the football

…and came down with the WIN! This was the Cardinals’ 5^th straight win over the 49ers, despite San Fran still leading the overall series between these two teams, 29-23.

Bengals-Browns. In a battle of the winless, it was the Bengals who emerged victorious with their first W of the season by blowing out the Browns 31-7, their 4^th straight win in Cleveland. Things appeared bleak for Cincy early on as they struggled to hold onto the football, but the Bengals got on the board first when Andy Dalton finally, Finally, FINALLY got on track with AJ Green, finding him in his usual habitat: wide open, butt naked, in the back of the endzone. The Browns were poised to answer as DiShone Kizer & Co. put together a solid drive but in typical Cleveland fashion, it ended with a tipped pass in the redzone that wound up in a defender’s hands. I’m disappointed that anyone expected anything BUT disappointment with the Browns this year. Real talk, this organization is where black men go to die. Kizer is stuck in a life that he hates but he can’t escape. And it’s only a matter of time before head coach Hugh Jackson falls (or is pushed by management) on his own sword. Didn’t y’all see what happened to Jim Brown? This dude spent so much time going insane in Cleveland he has convinced himself he is an ally of the Republican party. Miles Garrett better think twice before he returns from that injury. But anyway, after the turnover Cincy ensued to run up the score led by Dalton (286 yds, 4 TDs) who may have found a new security blanket in TE Tyler Kroft. Despite their inability to get their run game going, Giovani Bernard still managed to make in impact, breaking a short screen pass off for a 61 yd TD to bury the Browns. We all have to admit it was refreshing to see Dalton get back on track after a frightening start to the season. But I need to see more from him against a more formidable opponent before conceding his struggles are over. We’ve believed in Dalton before, just for him to let us down like Charlie Bucket did when he tricked his whole family into thinking he found the golden ticket on his birthday. He almost gave the good folks of Cincinnati AND grandpa Joe ol’ ass a heart attack.

Raiders-Broncos. Denver had theee perfect gameplan last week to defeat the high-powered Raiders. CJ Anderson led the way as the Broncos ran the air out of the ball by racking up over 140 yards on the ground, milking the clock and keeping Oakland’s offense on the sideline. Trevor Siemian didn’t put up John Elway numbers this week, but he didn’t have to – he made the necessary throws and most importantly he didn’t turn the ball over. Their defense continued to prove why they’re one of the league’s best, limiting Marshawn Lynch to just 12 yards and only giving up one big play the entire game. The recipe for success in Denver is apparent.  For Oakland, their Achilles heel is almost just as obvious…but we will get to that in a sec. Their offense hasn’t quite found it’s groove and without Beast Mode balancing out their attack, the Raiders aren’t capable of erasing double digit deficits on the road like they could last year. Their receivers are once again leading the league in drops. But the urgent issue in Oakland right now is the health of QB Derek Carr which for the moment, appears to put their postseason hopes in jeopardy for the second year in a row. Carr has a fracture in his back that will keep him out for at least the next few games. Backup EJ Manuel was serviceable in Carr’s absence, but the issues this offense has is only cured by the outstanding play by the guy under center. We can’t expect Manuel to easily fill that hole left by Carr. Although the Raiders still lead the all-time series vs Denver 62-52-2, the Broncos have won the last two matchups at home against the Raiders. Hopefully Carr is healthy the next time these two teams face off in Week 12.

Titans-Texans. Does anyone remember a few years ago when then-Texans’ WR Andre Johnson snapped and starting beating on Titans CB and black Irishman Courtland Finnegan in the middle of the game?Yes, that. Well that clip is the spitting image of what happened last week when Houston broke their whole foot off in Tennessee. They put a 50+burger on the board as rookie DeShaun Watson played the best game of his young career, throwing 4 TDs and running one in. Watson was aided by a productive Texans rushing attack and a season-best 10 catches for 107 yards and a TD by receiver DeAndre Hopkins. As special as Watson’s performance was, the blueprint to his success was simple. Houston went back to just last year to Watson’s time in Clemson by allowing him to operate via both the rush-option and the read-option, getting him out in space and letting him make the same plays that resulted in his National Championship victory. Their swarming defense came up with four interceptions, one that Dylan Cole took back to the crib. The Titans on the other hand…I ’ont even know yo. Almost every team has had that one game this season where you take the film out in the backyard and just burn the tape, so I guess this was Tennessee’s one. However, I am convinced that Marcus Mariota is Derek Carr’s voo-doo doll. For real-for real, if you remember Week 16 of last season, Mariota injured his ankle the very same day Derek Carr broke his leg. And the health of these two quarterbacks was intertwined yet again this past Sunday as Carr injured his back just hours after Mariota injured his hamstring. But put all the witchcraft and wizardry aside – the Titans have to rebound quickly whether Mariota plays Sunday or not – they could potentially be the best or worst team in the AFC South by this time next week. The Texans are closing the gap on the Titans all-time as Tennessee holds just a one game lead in their 31 total meetings (Titans lead 16-15).

WRITER’S NOTES:

The Jaguars lead the NFL in sacks. They’re only one year (and one quarterback) away.

The Rams are 3-1.

The fucking Bills are 3-1.

Is Packers’ WR Davante Parker okay now? That boy needed some milk Thursday night.

The Chargers lost yet another game by less than one score. The curse is alive and real.

So much for Cam Newton’s struggles, eh? He did however transfer those miscues with him to the podium.

So much for the Patriots going 16-0. They officially have the worst defense in football.

The Jets finally won a game, in the most Jets-like fashion. Please go watch the highlights of how that game unfolded, its worth it.

Now that we’re a quarter of the way through the season, the next few weeks will show us which teams are for real and which ones are only here ‘cause it’s Sunday and they don’t have shit else to do. Week 5 features the Battle of the Winless Bastards as the 0-4 Chargers face the 0-4 Giants, but also the the only matchup this weekend between teams with winning records as the 3-1 Panthers visit the 3-1 Lions in the D. Will the NFL’s true contenders please stand up?! Let me know what y’all think.

We are 12 days into the 2017 season and I have no idea where to start, y’all. None. Week 2 gave us a much better overall product compared to opening weekend. Although the three primetime games were a dud, we saw scoring improve around the league and there were actually a few games worth watching until the end. Seven games were decided by a touchdown or less, while the benefit of home field advantage continues to dwindle – 7 of the 16 games were won by the road team. After just two weeks of action we still have eight teams with 2-0 records, eight teams stuck at 0-2, and the rest of the league still looking for consistency. This week’s edition of the GameDay Decrees will nominate the top performers from Week 2 around the league with our own award show. Just know that if you win, you can come up on stage and rock the mic for as long as you please. We won’t cut you off mid-speech like the Emmy’s did Sterling K. Brown, yet they let Nicole Kidman stand up there and read all seven Harry Potter books aloud and uninterrupted. So don’t be afraid to get on our platform and talk yo’ shit…we’re here to listen. Let’s get into it.

BEST SUPPORTING CAST

Falcons’ defense. They were the true stars on Sunday Night Football after locking down Aaron Rodgers and the potent Packer offense, pressuring the water-dancer all night long. They sacked Rodgers 3 times, forcing one interception, and a fumble recovery that was taken back for a touchdown by Desmond Trufant. As much attention as the Falcons’ offense gets, their defense is the X-factor for their success. If they can continue to force turnovers and give their elite offense even more chances to score, the Falcons will return to elite status in the NFC

Broncos’ offense. Whatever tension existed in Denver between its offense and defense must have disappeared, at least until Sunday. Apparently winning does cure all. Their defense was on Ezekiel Elliott tighter than that belly shirt he wore on Draft Day, holding him to just 8 rushing yards on 9 attempts.  . They dominated Dallas’ celebrated offensive line and forced phenom Dak Prescott to make key mistakes. And in return, the Broncos offense carried their weight, scoring 5 touchdowns and FINALLY getting their running game going – finishing with 178 yards on the ground. Denver knows they are the best version of themselves when their defense can force turnovers. But more importantly the key to Denver WINNING is the offense’s ability to cash those turnovers in for points.

Ravens’ defense. All the talk about this 2017 defense being a reincarnation of their 2000 squad may not be such a stretch after all. The Ravens’ defense is flat out ballin’ – they came up with 4 interceptions and 2 fumble recoveries…just last week. They’ve allowed only 10 points this season and have forced 10 turnovers in those 2 games this season, leading the NFL in that category.

Lions’ defense. They went into New [Jersey] on Monday Night Football and flat out dismantled the Giants on the national stage. The Lions actually made them non-dimensional by eliminating the Giants’ run game, hitting Eli Manning all game long, and reducing the elusive Odell Beckham JR to just four non-impact receptions. The offensively-driven Lions have never been noted for their defensive efforts but it sure does take the pressure off Matt Stafford when they have a lead going into the 4^th quarter for once

ACHIEVEMENTS IN COLOR COMMENTARY

Tony Romo. His new gig announcing games for CBS has been an instant hit! Romo’s past experiences as a signal-caller allow him to make detailed pre-snap predictions and correctly diagnose most plays before they even happen. His peers on TV have been amazed with his ability to seamlessly apply his football IQ to the booth with not much prior experience in broadcasting. However, there have been some ex-players rolling their eyes at the praise Romo has garnished for his “obvious” analysis, but for the average sports fan watching the game, Romo’s insight is enlightening and his predictions are rather impressive…especially when compared to the dry and mundane broadcasting viewers normally suffer through on a weekly basis. Now, if only Romo could have seen all those game-losing interceptions before he actually threw them in his playing days…I’m sorry. That was low.

OUTSTANDING ACTS IN STUNTS & CHOREOGRAPHY

Rams’ Todd Gurley. He pulled of another one of his patented leaps last Sunday, high-jumping right over Skins’ cornerback Breshad Breeland.

Chiefs’ Travis Kelce. Whoever said a white man can’t jump must have thought Travis Kelce was a brotha. My man channeled his inner Doctor J jumping from the 5 yard line and taking defenders with him as he flew into the endzone for the Chiefs’ second win on the season.

Dolphins’ Lawrence Timmons’ disappearing act. He decided he wasn’t making the trip to Los Angeles with his team last week and decided instead to go visit his daughter in Pennsylvania (the Dolphins have suspended Timmons indefinitely). Dude just left the whole hood hanging like Aaron McGruder did after The Boondocks. That reference is a serious soft spot for me. McGruder’s writing changed my life, yo. And with all the satire and commentary manifesting in today’s social atmosphere, the world would truly appreciate McGruder’s insight. If Chappelle can come back home, you can too Aaron.

Raiders’ Marshawn Lynch.

The world is simply a better place when Beast Mode is activated.

BEST PERFORMANCE IN A LOSING EFFORT

Chargers’ Phillip Rivers. I truly feel bad for Rivers. Games where he plays out of his mind like he did last week (31 for 39, 331 yds, TD) are all for naught – it doesn’t look like Rivers will achieve playoff success with the Chargers again before he hangs up his cleats. This team is cursed, bruh. They’ve lost 7 straight games dating back to last season, five of them (including last Sunday’s loss) has been by a touchdown or less. And even if they do find a way to win close games, they’ll still be the worst team in their division. Phil needs to take a page from Kyrie Irving’s performance in “How to Demand a Trade: a Kobe Bryant Production” and let the front office know that he unequivocally wants out of LA when this season is over. There are several contenders around the league desperate for at least a competent quarterback and there’s no doubt Rivers is good enough to take a fringe team deep into the post-season.

All of the Philadelphia Eagles. They were cursed with a rough first 3 games of the season, with two games played on the road against a divisional opponent and the other against one of the most complete teams in the league…in one of the toughest stadiums to win in. Although the Eagles lost in Kansas City last week, they were extremely competitive in a defensive struggle early on, and then proved they could keep pace once scoring was no longer at a premium. The Eagles have to find a way to get their running game going as Carson Wentz attempted more passes than the Eagles are willing to admit they’re comfortable with, and he also ended up leading the team in rushing yards which, again, unless Mike Vick is your QB that is a bad sign. But if the young Eagles can continue progressing, they will be battle tested late in the season to make some noise in the competitive NFC East

PRIMETIME PERFORMANCES IN A DRAMA SERIES

Cincinnati Bengals. I can’t believe I’m even wasting words on the Bengals right now. These fools have laid two eggs so far this season, having not scored a touchdown in either game. Their shortcomings were put on blast in front of a national TV audience after they couldn’t put even a decent quarter together against a rookie-led Houston team that didn’t look all that great themselves. Offensive coordinator Ken Zampese served as the sacrificial lamb and was fired – the first straw pulled to ignite a fire under this team. It was a surprising move, given how loyal Bengals’ brass has been keeping guys on board up to this point. Real talk, I just want someone to be loyal to me the way the Bengals are to Marvin Lewis. Or how loyal Marvin Lewis is to Andy Dalton. Too bad Andy’s teammates don’t share the same admiration for him – reports are out they’ve already started sending late night “WYD” texts to Colin Kaepernick. No word yet if Kaep has responded.

Cowboys’ Ezekiel Elliott. By now everyone has seen the replay of Zeke throwing in the towel instead of chasing a defender after the Cowboys turned the ball over. Elliott isn’t the first player to not run after a lost cause and he definitely won’t be the last. But to watch the youngin’ simply quit on a play is a bit disheartening to see, especially since Sunday’s blowout loss in Denver is the first real adversity this Dallas team has faced since he’s been there. And the one time things don’t go his way, he behaves like the spoiled girl from Willy Wonka. We all knew Elliott wasn’t going to run anyone down and make the tackle, but he could have at least ACTED like he was putting forth an effort. That’s what all the good ones do.

PETTY ATTEMPTS AT REVENGE

Mike Glennon @ Tampa Bay. Glennon returned to Tampa Bay to face the team he began his career with, starting 18 games for the Bucs since 2013. Glennon went 31 for 45 for 301 yds and a TD, but gifted two interceptions to his old squad – one that went for six the wrong way. Glennon and the Bears ultimately left Tampa with a blowout loss and a bad taste of shorty-found-greener-grass in their mouths

Brandin Cooks @ New Orleans. Cooks was infamously traded from New Orleans over the summer after complaining about not getting enough love from his Hall of Fame quarterback. So he was sent to play with THE Hall of Fame quarterback in New England – and we all circled September 10^th on the calendar as the day Cooks would get his chance to see his ex again. But Cooks managed just two catches for 37 yards in an anti-climactic reunion. My mother used to tell me when it came to relationships: “the way you get ‘em is the same way you’ll lose ‘em” and I won’t be surprised if Cooks gets uneasy about his lack of targets all over again. Maybe Kevin Hart should have taken this advice…

Marcus Mariota @ Jacksonville. Mariota returned to the scene of the crime where his heart I mean his leg was broken last season, bringing an end to a promising Titans 2016 season. This time around, Mariota made sure there was no way he was leaving the field without a victory. The Titans beat the breaks off division rival Jacksonville into submission to pick up their first win of the season.

Andy Reid vs Philadelphia. The red walrus welcomed his old team and understudy Doug Pederson to his new stomping grounds in KC to prove he has been happier since the breakup. Andy showed off all the fine china and nice furniture he’s been able to purchase now that he isn’t carrying the Eagles anymore. The Chiefs came out on top of a gritty win, relying on their new-found big play offense to break the game open. Although the Eagles have seemed to land back on their feet, it’s always good to see Andy show his former team he’s still got it.

LIFETIME ACHIEVEMENT AWARD

Brown’s LT Joe Thomas. Let’s all tip the cap to the Iron Man of the NFL who somehow, someway managed to play 10,000 consecutive snaps at left tackle for a team not worthy of his services. This dude played with torn ligaments in his knee to protect the likes of Johnny Manziel, Ken Dorsey, and Jame Delhomme. And how does a low-key, blue collar guy who if you remember decided to go fishing on Draft Day instead of attend the festivities celebrate such a milestone?

By drinking Old fucking Fitzgerald! What else would you expect from a true man’s man like Joe Thomas…it’s only right, right? About as right as black people never having to pay for anything that’s made with cotton. But I digress. Good job, Joe! He has been a model of character and consistency for an organization that has been everything but. Hopefully Thomas gets to play one meaningful snap before his amazing career is all said and done.

Chargers’ TE Antonio Gates. And speaking of great careers for franchises that don’t deserve them, Antonio Gates caught his 112^th TD, passing the great tony Gonzalez for most TD receptions by a tight end. Only Jerry Rice (197), Randy Moss (156), Terrell Owens (153), Cris Carter (130) and Marvin Harrison (128) have more receiving touchdowns overall than Gates. That right there…is greatness.

BEST ACTOR IN A LEADING ROLE

Raiders’ Derek Carr. 23 for 28, 230 yards, 3 TDs. Yet another stellar performance from Carr, who deserves s much credit for the Raiders’ 2-0 start as he does for the resurrection of Michael Crabtree’s career

Chiefs’ Kareem Hunt. He followed his opening night performance with another multi-TD game – this time breaking a 53 yarder to the house to lead the Chiefs to the second win of the season. Hunt is also leading the league in rushing.

Patriot’s Tom fuckin’ Brady. 30 for 39, 447 yards and 3 TDs. He threw all 3 of his TDs in the first 15 minutes of the game. It was also Brady’s 52nd career three-touchdown, no INT game. I’m pretty sure that’s an NFL record

And the winner is…

Broncos’ QB Trevor Siemian. Yo, Yo, Trav – Hold up! I think we can all join you in agreement by saying we never thought you would even be nominated for this award. Yes, we know…there are soooo many other quality performers in this category that often deserve the award more than you. But Trav put in that WORK last Sunday, leading Denver to the biggest week 2 win in the league. He completed an effective 22 for 32 passes for 231 yards, 4 TDs and only one INT. He spread the ball around to 8 different receivers and converted all four redzone trips into touchdowns instead of field goals. Now, no one is expecting Siemian to throw four touchdowns every week, but the Broncos will need their offense to do something with the football whenever its defense comes up with the football. And if Siemian can be any close to as productive as he was last week, Denver may have a say in how the AFC West plays out after all.

That’s all we got from Week 2. The League Ambassadors are heading off to London this week and if we are lucky enough to make it back to the States in one piece, the GameDay Decrees will be hot and ready for you next week. Let me know what y’all think.

Week 1 of the NFL season is in the bag, y’all! I gotta say it was refreshing to FINALLY watch games that matter and see the league’s best players take the field with something to prove. There’s no doubt we were shocked by some of the final outcomes, but I can’t front – throughout the day I noticed how mundane this week’s slate of games actually were. There weren’t many high scoring games or many close games for that matter. There were just 3 games, just 3 – where teams combined to score more than 50 points. There were only 4 games decided by one touchdown or less. The saving grace however was how unpredictable these games were – road teams won 7 out of the 15 games played, and five teams pulled off upsets (based on Vegas’ point spread). We were blessed with performances that left fan bases feeling confident for the time being, delusional with expectations, hopeless of the future, or maybe just a little…Insecure. Let’s get into it!

HELLA GREAT

Kansas City Chiefs – Week 1 of the NFL season got off to a chitty-chitty bang-bang on opening night as the Chiefs shocked the world by blowing out the Patriots on the road. For a team thought to be void of options on offense, rookie Kareem Hunt and Tyreke Hill stepped up to the plate, allowing Alex Smith to play pitch and catch in one of the best performances of his career (368 yds, 4 TDs). Let me tell y’all something. Alex heard ALL that noise through the offseason about how he’s reached his ceiling. He saw the Chiefs draft and groom his successor in front of his face, while claiming he was still “their guy.” He heard the claims that he was washed. Alex spent the summer in his cocoon working on his game like Hoodie Melo. And when the opportunity presented itself Alex proved on national TV his ability to throw the ball downfield. Their offense opened up wider than Issa and Lawrence did during their kitchen conversation in the finale. Man, that was refreshing…and it’s what the people have been asking for since day one.

Jacksonville Jaguars – the 2^nd biggest surprise from Week 1. The Jags’ defense was everywhere while Houston was never there. Like never, not once. Rookie RB Leonard Fournette performed as advertised (100 yds, TD) and Blake Bortles somehow managed not to be the worst QB on the field. Bortles did however find a way to make matters worse – while WR Allen Robinson was laid out on the turf clutching his torn ACL, Bortles’ best attempt to console his teammate was to walk over and pat him a few times…ON HIS INJURED KNEE.

Samuel Jacob Bradford – Dude balled all the way out on Monday Night Football, torching New Orleans’ JV defense (346 yds, 3 TDs). Minnesota’s defense kept the great Drew Brees at bay, and the Vikings appeared for the time being a legit force in the NFC North. The key to the Vikings’ success will be their offensive line’s ability to keep Bradford upright. When he has time in the pocket, dude actually looks like a #1 overall draft pick

Philadelphia Eagles – they refuse to be at the bottom of the NFC East after ending their three year losing streak to the ‘Skins, led by an escapist artist’s performance by QB Carson Wentz (307 yds, 2 TDs, INT). The Eagles’ lockdown defense had Kirk Cousins in a worse rhythm than 97% of white people at [insert artist]’s concert. It’s obvious the mix of young talent with veteran leadership is slowly building a “learn how to finish games” mentality in Philly, something they lacked the last year or so.

Dallas Cowboys – they exercised a divisional demon by finally beating the New York Giants, who have had their number the last few years. The Giants used to show up at the Cowboys’ door at 4:17AM on a Tuesday and make them come out the house in their robe and hair rollers, just ‘cause they knew they could. But those days appear to be over after Dak and Zeke led the way, aided by an exemplary defensive effort. And speaking of greatness, Jason Witten became Cowboys’ all-time leading in receiving yards last week. He’s going to the Hall.

HELLA SHOOK

The Cincinnati Bungles – They laid an egg Sunday. Literally. They were shut out AT HOME against a division rival whom they have not lost to at home since 2011. The Ravens treated Paul Brown Stadium like Rick James would if he stepped foot into Joel Osteen’s church. Despite missing key players due to injury or suspension, this loss lands on Andy Dalton. He committed two redzone turnovers (5 total), killing any momentum Cincy was able to establish

Carson Palmer – I’m hurt, Carson. Truly hurt. You were outright depressing on Sunday. About as depressing as Lawrence was trying to get his Woo-Woo app off the ground. The Cardinals are only going to go as far as Palmer takes them especially with David Johnson out a few months. But right now, Palmer can’t even take them out to get a Redbox on their birthday

Indianapolis – All you need to know about Indy is after the game their head coach Chuck Pagano gave credit to the 49ers for the win. Aye Chuck, y’all lost to the Rams bruh. They don’t play the 49ers for another month but I can guarantee you they won’t have a single win by that time either. It’s only September but Indianapolis already looks poised to have the #1 overall pick next season

The Saints – I can’t even feel bad for the Saints yo. They knew EXACTLY what this season was gon’ be before it started. They dedicated absolutely zero energy into improving their defense, then turned around wondering how an offense like Minnesota’s could run the score up on them.  They looked about as dumb as Issa did taking classes on how to suck, then got mad when they get Fetty Wap’d on national television.

HELLA DISRESPECTFUL

Atlanta’s Austin Hooper should be imprisoned for what he did to Chicago’s Quintin Demps. Seriously that’s some black on black crime that even Fox News wouldn’t support.

Aye Quintin…DO YOU EVEN LIFT, BRO?!

Titans’ Jurrell Casey woke up on the wrong side of BEEEAAAST MOOODE! Dude is having nightmares after Marshawn Lynch came up the A-gap and ran all 305 pounds of him into the ground.

I think we can all agree (except for Mr. Casey) we are all happy to see Marshawn back on the field.

HELLA QUESTIONS

Should the Pats Panic? I’m sure everyone including members of the Chiefs knew this season opener was finna be a BREEZE for the defending champs. They came out in the first quarter and appeared to be headed for a blowout victory. But the Pats’ lacking pass rush and miscues in the secondary turned the table against them, and the champs found themselves on the mat before it was all said and done. Tom Brady struggled in the 2^nd half and I refuse to question his mortality after just one loss. But Father Time is 99-0, and whether Brady’s time is this year or five years from now…Father always, ALWAYS gets his big piece of chicken.

The Little Giants? Y’all remember a few weeks ago when Odell Beckham said he should be the highest paid player in the NFL and everyone looked at him crazy…like he was Amy Shumer demanding Dave Chappelle/Chris Rock money from Netflix? OBJ was trippin’, right? Well he didn’t play last Sunday night and the entire Giants team looked decrepit without him. Their offense was stagnant and their defense had to fend for themselves. They bent and eventually broke. NYG needs another receiver to step up and they must establish some sort of rushing attack – or they’ll be in trouble. And when contract time comes around for Mr. Beckham, the only question he’ll need to answer is if he prefers his 100 million via check or direct deposit.

What happened in the LA Coliseum? What if I told you Jared Goff was sharp last Sunday? What if I told you Sammie Watkins can do more than run deep routes and hold a clip board? What if I told you the Rams are the only NFC West team with a win? You wouldn’t believe me, because no one attended the Rams’ game on Sunday to actually witness it. Someone should tell the new people of Inglewood that NOT attending football games isn’t quite the way gentrification works.

Houston, Do We Have a BIGGER Problem? We all knew it was a matter of time before the Texans benched Savage in favor of DeShaun Watson. But even with Watson under center, the Texans’ problems on offense were still blatant. They couldn’t establish the run. Their receivers couldn’t get open. They still couldn’t protect their QB. The reason for that is directly related to th e fact O-lineman Duane Brown was at home continuing his holdout and not on the field. The Texans have a bigger question to answer  – how much do they value Brown NOW? If they’re going to start Watson moving forward, they can’t afford to get him killed. It’s time Houston pays Mr. Brown what they owe! And we’ve seen this movie in Houston before when they put a rookie draftee under center that they couldn’t protect. And trust me, it doesn’t have a happy ending.

Sleepless in Seattle? Speaking of shitty offensive lines…any time your QB leads the team in rushing yards and his name ISN’T Michael Vick, it’s because he was running for his life. Yo, look at this bullshit Russell Wilson was up against last week: But this is no real surprise – Seattle’s O-line was just as terrible last year. It will be interesting to see what Pete Carroll and the Seahawks’ brass does knowing how they stack up against another NFC contender now. And Green Bay has one of the weaker defenses in the conference and Seattle still struggled against them

HELLA PERSPECTIVE

Moral Victories Do Exist. For perennial playoff teams, a loss is a gotdamn loss – no matter how many ways you slice it. But for teams with as many losses over the years as they’ve had starting quarterbacks, incremental progress is better than none at all. Both the Bears and Browns should have their chins up after their performances Sunday, each going toe-to-toe with a playoff team from last year.  The Bears dropped two game-winning touchdowns in the endzone – just one of them would have beaten the Falcons. QB Mike Glennon was impressive despite them seemingly losing an offensive weapon every time they take the field. Rookie Tarik Cohen emerged on the scene as a viable option out of the backfield. The Bears’ defense appeared capable of containing the most talented offense in their conference. The Browns on the other hand suffered a Week 1 loss vs Pittsburgh. Rookie QB DeShone Kizer’s debut was promising despite being sacked 7 times; the Browns were still in the game in the 4^th quarter. Their young defense also hung in there against the most talented offense in their respective conference, bottling up the great Le’Veon Bell the whole game. Only time will tell if these two presumed bottom feeders have closed the gap between themselves and the best teams in the league.

Why Quarterbacks Get Paid. The reoccurring theme from Week 1’s action is undoubtedly the level of quarterback play across the league. Surprisingly, we saw quality production from some unexpected names (Smith, Goff, Bradford) and heroics by some players out to prove they’ve earned their praise. (Prescott, Wentz, Stafford). But by and large, the performances we saw under center were flat out underwhelming. Two quarterbacks were benched mid-game. Another was sacked five times and committed five turnovers. Nineteen QBs threw interceptions, and only 5 threw for over 300 yards in their games. With all this mediocrity on the field, you would think by now teams would swallow their pride and give Colin Kaepernick a call. Despite what the owners say in their press conferences, football isn’t simply about winning. It’s about money. Or maybe it’s more so about perception than anything else. But as long as NFL owners are more concerned with how their brand “looks” than how it actually performs, expect more below-average quarterback play behind below-average offensive lines throughout the NFL for the foreseeable future.

In retrospect, this is also the reason why the Detroit Lions did the right thing by locking in their QB for the future. Of course their decision would come with a bit of irony. After signing a $135M contract and becoming the highest paid player in football, what does Matthew Stafford do on his first pass of the season? He throws a pick-six. You could hear the rumblings in the stands and the doubters already counting Stafford’s coins. But just as the Detroit [un]faithful were ready to write Stafford off, he bounced back by continuing his late game heroics, completing yet another 4th quarter comeback win for the Cardiac Cats – the 27^th of his career in the D. Anyone questioning whether or not Stafford deserved that contract, right here is your proof and pudding.

That’s all I got from Week 1 guys. Hopefully no one is on the edge just yet – all 32 teams still have a lot to play for. Looking ahead to Week 2 we’ll get to see a matchup between 2 forty-year old, Hall of Fame QBs (Brady vs. Brees) go up against each other’s non-existent defense. The Buccaneers and the Dolphins get to play their first games. And both our Sunday and Monday night primetime games feature NFC playoff teams from last season. Let me know what y’all think.